I woke up this morning layered with a t-shirt and sweatshirt, socks, and sweats, curled up in a ball freezing. Winters sleeping alone is not fun. For 18 years I had a furry bear beside me I could snuggle up to for warmth. Much to his displeasure I would often wedge my cold feet in between his legs and shove my cold nose into the crook of his arm. Well, that is until his snoring got so loud I found myself turning the opposite direction from him and getting as far away as possible on a queen sized bed. Which reminds me that having a partner to sleep with is double-edged. It’s nice to have the comfort of another warm body. But not the nuisance of loud, raucous vibrations that after being woken they swear they weren’t doing.
Sleeping alone is one of the things I have actually gotten quite used to. I like going to bed in peace and quiet. I nestle under the covers reading a book. I take my half pill of ambien and tell myself every night that the next night I will attempt to go it alone.
But last night I took my half pill and it was ages even with the pill before I fell asleep. I had weird dreams all night. Dirty bathrooms full of people I didn’t know. Snapshot type dreams with people sneering at me, hugging me, kissing me, but yet I was disconnected to. I woke up at 6 AM which is very early for me especially since it was after midnight that I fell asleep. I dozed until about 7:30 AM. It was not a pleasant dozing.
After one of my little naps I opened one eye and realized I was in the middle of the bed. I never sleep in the middle of the bed. I’m always in my little spot I allot myself on the left. Not only were my feet in the middle but so was my head. The middle?
I was talking with a friend a few weeks back who has emotionally recovered from a very hurtful end to her marriage. She is not concerned with dating and is fairly content with her day-to-day life which does not include a man. I asked her where in the bed she sleeps. And she told me she sprawls out all over the middle of hers. And it made me wonder if there is a connection between where we sleep in the bed and whether our hearts are holding a space open for a new man. If we truly are content how we are should we be able to let go of that space? Maybe it’s just a force of habit and it has nothing to do with our hearts. But maybe there is a part of it that decides every night to keep that spot open.
My ex left almost three years ago and here I am still relegating myself to my little side. Why can’t I take up the entire middle and sprawl my arms and legs out onto either side? It’s not like I’m taking up anyone else’s room!
So I’ve decided that tonight is the night. I’m going to purposefully set my pillow in the middle of the bed and see what happens. See where I end up in the morning. It’s a little experiment. In honor of it I’m going to put on fresh clean sheets which I love more than anything.
Why not? haha. I’ll let you know how it goes.