Tonight is THE Night


I woke up this morning layered with a t-shirt and sweatshirt, socks, and sweats, curled up in a ball freezing.  Winters sleeping alone is not fun.  For 18 years I had a furry bear beside me I could snuggle up to for warmth.  Much to his displeasure I would often wedge my cold feet in between his legs and shove my cold nose into the crook of his arm.  Well, that is until his snoring got so loud I found myself turning the opposite direction from him and getting as far away as possible on a queen sized bed.  Which reminds me that having a partner to sleep with is double-edged.  It’s nice to have the comfort of another warm body.  But not the nuisance of loud, raucous  vibrations that after being woken they swear they weren’t doing.

Sleeping alone is one of the things I have actually gotten quite used to.  I like going to bed in peace and quiet.  I nestle under the covers reading a book.  I take my half pill of ambien and tell myself every night that the next night I will attempt to go it alone.

But last night I took my half pill and it was ages even with the pill before I fell asleep.  I had weird dreams all night.  Dirty bathrooms full of people I didn’t know.  Snapshot type dreams with people sneering at me, hugging me, kissing me, but yet I was disconnected to.  I woke up at 6 AM which is very early for me especially since it was after midnight that I fell asleep.  I dozed until about 7:30 AM.  It was not a pleasant dozing.

After one of my little naps I opened one eye and realized I was in the middle of the bed.  I never sleep in the middle of the bed.  I’m always in my little spot I allot myself on the left.  Not only were my feet in the middle but so was my head.  The middle?

I was talking with a friend a few weeks back who has emotionally recovered from a very hurtful end to her marriage.  She is not concerned with dating and is fairly content with her day-to-day life which does not include a man.  I asked her where in the bed she sleeps.  And she told me she sprawls out all over the middle of hers.  And it made me wonder if there is a connection between where we sleep in the bed and whether our hearts are holding a space open for a new man.  If we truly are content how we are should we be able to let go of that space?  Maybe it’s just a force of habit and it has nothing to do with our hearts.  But maybe there is a part of it that decides every night to keep that spot open.

My ex left almost three years ago and here I am still relegating myself to my little side.  Why can’t I take up the entire middle and sprawl my arms and legs out onto either side?  It’s not like I’m taking up anyone else’s room!

So I’ve decided that tonight is the night.  I’m going to purposefully set my pillow in the middle of the bed and see what happens.  See where I end up in the morning.  It’s a little experiment.  In honor of it I’m going to put on fresh clean sheets which I love more than anything.

Why not? haha.  I’ll let you know how it goes.


3 responses to “Tonight is THE Night

  1. I’m all over my bed. Some nights, I hang on my side with the other side empty. I think I do this only because when I sleep on my stomach, I like to be facing the edge for whatever reason. Other nights, I’m over on my side and my huge dog winds up on the other. If I try to snuggle with her though, she’ll get annoyed that I’m making her hot or something and she’ll go back to the bottom of the bed after awhile.

    Lately, I’m finding myself more towards the middle when I wake up even if I initially fell asleep on my side. As I get more used to having most of the bed to myself, my sleeping self is becoming more aware of all that extra space and taking advantage.

    I’m not sure if where I choose to sleep has anything to do with my love life. Sometimes I do miss falling asleep all nestled in to the nook of a man’s arm. But missing that doesn’t mean I need it. And I most definately don’t miss sharing a bed with my STBX. He snored, sweat and was a horrible person to sleep with most nights. I hated sharing a bed with him. I especially hated it once we stopped having sex!

  2. Pingback: The Morning After « Improvised Life·

  3. I slept nearly sideways in my king sized bed till recently…….it seemed right. You wIll know when you are ready for another. My post Twenty Pushups shares my experience…perhaps you will find some comfort there……??

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