Every moment counts. Every decision does too. And they all fold into each other like ingredients for the best recipe or painting to create the masterpiece called your life. At the end of this year of 2011, I’m cherishing all my moments. The time spent holding hands with my daughter as we kick back warmed by a log in the fireplace watching a movie. Hugging Martin looking up at the millions of stars in the darkest of skies on Dartmoor until our necks hurt. All the time spent trying to keep up with the pastor taking notes during a Sunday sermon so I wouldn’t forget the lessons. Watching my son strut out onto the stage with a silly Christmas tie playing guitar and piano and singing bass in advanced choir. Pushing it to the last breath on a run or leaning into a stretch in my yoga class. From the mundane to the heartbreaking. They are me.
I’m glad I took the chance. As much as it has hurt me. I lived it. I saw things I never imagined seeing. I loved in a way I had only heard about. For me, it was real. Very real. And wonderful in so many ways.
And this next year or two or three and however many I get after that will be just as wonderful.
Tonight I got to sit with an old friend and smile and eat and he gave me the kind of big bear hugs only he can give. I know I’m loved in many ways by many people. And I’m grateful. Very grateful.
My daughter and I watched Hope Floats tonight. I forgot how much it was about being rejected. I forgot how sad it was. All I remembered was that I liked Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr. As we watched I remembered. And I warned her of two heartbreaking scenes. But the last one where the little girl packs her bags to leave with her Daddy that doesn’t want her and she chases down the car as he drives away in anguish…ugh. She cried and I cried and she ended up putting the quote on Facebook from the movie that said, “Beginning are often scary and endings are normally sad but it’s what you do with the middle that counts.”
Somehow the topic of dances and high school got brought up because we were looking at pictures after she posted it. And she looked at one of my dance pictures from high school and said, “I wish I had a dress like that.” And I said that it was upstairs in a drawer in my closet.
We raced upstairs to my room and she yelled, “Whoever takes their clothes off faster gets to try it on first.” And we laughed as we peeled off our clothes.
The dress didn’t fit either one of us. It was too tight in the bust but thankfully fit everywhere else. Before she got bummed I told her that is where you want it to be tight! And we laughed. I was 16 when I wore that dress and I actually got it on around my hips. YES.
When I kissed her goodnight I told her she could tell the story of us racing upstairs at my funeral. And she said, “Ok mom, I will…” And we smiled.
I may be sad. I may be heartbroken. But she and her brother are my world. And I do hope that when I am breathing my last breath I don’t regret how I spent my time I’ve been given here on earth.
Life is too much of a gift to be missed. Every second is precious. Even the sad parts.
I wish everyone a very fulfilling New Year. God bless you.