Here is a glimpse into my alter-ego. Not the one who leaks uncontrollably at the thought of what could have been but the one who sits on the other shoulder and argues the opposite. She exists, she just doesn’t win most of the time. But she’s always there, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming saying things like. What about this? What about that?
It’s kind of like eating fish. I don’t like fish. I have a visceral reaction when I imagine eating it and have only done so probably less than twenty times in my life. I find the look and smell of a dead fish repelling. I call shell-fish roaches of the sea. Why would I want to eat something that makes me want to hurl? Why would I want to ingest things with antennae? My face is contorted at the thought. Some people and I know there are many these days actually look forward to going out and eating sushi. Raw fish is even worse than cooked! I can’t imagine enjoying the experience.
That is like being single to me. It just doesn’t appeal.
Nevertheless I am trying to convince myself that something so foreign to my nature can actually be good for me.
Eating fish is good for your heart. Has fewer calories and less fat than other meat sources. It is even reported to help with staving off cancer, depression and inflammation.
And it is turning out, the longer I am single (if measuring from the day my husband left our home it would be 2 years and 10 months. If measuring from my latest break up with Martin almost 3 months) the more I realize there are benefits to being single.
My alter ego keeps telling me the world is my oyster. There are no have-to’s except taking care of my children, paying my taxes, and dying. I know I technically can balk on being a responsible parent but even my alter-ego thinks I should do that to the best of my ability.
So if nothing else is a have-to in life…think of all the possibilities!
I could move anywhere, get all kinds of jobs I’m qualified for, I could save up for exotic vacations or mission trips. I could make all kinds of new friends. I could sell all my furniture and completely redecorate my entire house. I did it once using furniture I found at garage sales and thrift stores and it was amazingly homey and I got compliments all the time. I could do that again and shed all these memories that hurt my heart.
I could sell my house and buy a little shack close to the beach. Or in a small town somewhere. I could dye my hair red again. I did that once and I totally dug it.
I can stop living my life to please other people who don’t matter and really think about what God would have me do different.
I could stop making excuses for myself and just for real move on. It could be exciting. It could be such a different life than I had and so much better I would never cry wishing it was how it was ever again.
Maybe I cry so much now because I’m essentially living the same life I did three years ago. Except I’m trying to do it alone. And that is sad and hard.
Maybe what I should do is now that I’m not so raw from the divorce…make some real change in my life?
Even little changes can yield big returns. I could re-arrange the furniture in my bedroom. I could paint which is cheap and changes the total look and feel to a room. I could join that painting class I’ve been dreaming about.
The possibilities are really endless. ENDLESS!
I don’t have to mourn the loss of a life I hoped for that didn’t come true because I know I don’t want to be married to a man who lies to me. What I have in store for me HAS to be better than that! And it has to be better than being married to a man who doesn’t love me at all either. Both losses in my life were things I wanted very much but they didn’t work out.
So I might just decide to order fish off the menu and see what happens. Even though its scary and it sounds horrible. Maybe being single for a while won’t be so bad after all.
Already I do have to admit I see there are benefits. I do not argue with anyone when I want to do something a certain way. I am so much healthier. I eat better (although probably not enough) I exercise much better. I find it easier to try new things because I don’t have to convince anyone else that it’s a good idea.
It’s a start. And the possibilities excite me when I listen to that other voice.
And somewhere in the balance in between is where my true happiness lies. Which is not needing another person but inviting one in when my life is full all on its own; practically, emotionally, and spiritually.