We all know monsters live among us. If you don’t believe me just look up where the nearest sex offenders are living and count how many are within walking distance of your own house. They are out there. Two people got carjacked at the local mall last week. This season of good tidings and joy is often fertile ground for criminals to strike. Why? There is opportunity. People are shopping and storing their bounty in their cars and homes. People are in festive moods and their guard is down also.
I usually think of monsters as evil, hard-edged people who look as ruthless on the outside as they are on the inside. But I’ve had to deal with a monster who had soft, sweet, kind eyes. Like the cat in Shrek. A seemingly soft-hearted person who showed his true colors only when panicking. I’ve seen it more times than I realized.
It got me thinking about my role as victim in the last few years.
I opened the door to my home and invited in a complete stranger and I gave him a map to the treasure which was my heart. I told him everything I was looking for in a man. I spelled it out for him. All he had to do was be that man. I remember distinctly our first argument. He passed it off as it being a late night for him and a misunderstanding but now I know what was behind his reaction.
I stated a simple question to him. “What if you aren’t who you say you are?” My reference to that question was the fact that I was still wrestling in my heart with the lies my former spouse had told me and I wanted a man I could trust. Martin got so offended. I wrote about it. But if you read that post you will see how I put it all on me. It surprised me but I thought at the time…wow he really cares about this issue. In fact though , it was his first panic episode and first disappearing act. It was the first time I questioned something that hit the nail on the head. And he freaked a little and turned it all on me. I accepted responsibility and was so sorry. I was so played.
It is amazing to have this blog to look back on. It helps me see the monster he was. He was a very manipulative, bad person. I have not one desire to ever see him or speak to him again.
I re-read that post I wrote so long ago and I thought. Wow, I really was putting it all on myself. But why wouldn’t I question his motives at that point in time? That is when I should have been questioning them and that is when he should have been the most open and honest about where he was really at in life. But instead he turned things on me and made me feel bad for questioning. All at the same time he was pushing me hard to get more and more serious before I was really ready and being everything I said I wanted. Classic.
I didn’t see it.
Sometimes the monsters of this world are much closer to home. They see the bounty of what we have in our hearts and strike to get something for themselves. That is how I will forever and ever view Martin and his intentions with me. I had something he wanted. He did whatever it took to try to get it for himself and keep it for as long as he could, no matter what that did to me.
I’ve never ever been treated so horribly in all my life.
But I’m writing this post to you with not even one little tear. I’m not going to be the victim of this man any longer.
I’m on day 5 of turning over my new leaf and giving all my loneliness to God to fill my void. And it’s getting easier. I’ve been resisting reaching out to my usual coping mechanisms and instead looking to healthier alternatives that will sooner or later convince me of my wholeness apart from a relationship with a man.