This is it really everybody. Where the rubber meets the road. It’s been almost 4 years of me as victim and letting that define me to a certain extent. But I did two things yesterday that will help to change how I see myself from now on. I wrote H.S. Guy an email telling him I wasn’t ready for anything serious. And I wrote Martin one final email.
H.S. Guy replied as I knew he would. He told me wouldn’t be going anywhere but would completely back off so as not to confuse the issue. We’d been out four times and it was at that point where if we kept going out we’d become a couple. And I know in my heart of hearts I am not ready for that. What I was ready for was the affection. The hugs. Someone to care about me and ask me how my day was. Someone to do fun things with. But not a person I wanted to call my boyfriend. And I like this guy. There was nothing about him I didn’t like. Even his reaction to me asking for more space was top-notch. So I’m not talking to him anymore at all. Hiatus. I was proud of myself. I listened to God. I listened to my friends who cared about me. I did the right thing. It was brave cause all I want are hugs.
I was over his house after yoga one night and we were sitting on the couch watching a football game trying to decide where to go for dinner. His arm was around my shoulders and I put my head on his chest and that is my favorite moment with him. I didn’t want to move. In a flash I knew all I wanted in that moment was to have a husband, be married, feel normal again. Feel safe. And I also knew that meant I wasn’t ready to date. I was too needy. But man it felt good to feel safe for a minute or two.
As I milled that over in my brain I realized that much of what happened with Martin and what I excused and accepted in that relationship was because I was also needy then. I just wanted to feel normal again. Loved, married. I liked being married. I liked caring about someone and having a partner. I wanted it so bad I put up with stuff I should never have put up with.
So I had a crisis of sorts in my heart the last couple of days. It’s been brutal.
All that I have ever said to myself about me being a puppy and not a cat and needing people around me and asking what is wrong with that…all of those rationalizations all fell flat. Cause in that moment I realized that if I need people more than God things are backwards. And I will not be ready for any healthy relationship until God meets the needs that now I’m looking for in a man. And I realized for the first time I really do need to be alone. Happy. Content. And alone.
Even as I type this post I am shaking my head because I think it’s the hardest leg of the race so far. Yes, I’ve trained and I’m stronger. But am I strong enough? The junky in me says…but how long will recovery take before we can have another hit? And if I ever get to that place will I never want another man again? Or will that want be so different I won’t recognize it? I don’t want to be single forever.
All I know is I poured out my heart out to H.S. Guy and told him exactly why I was pushing him away for now. And he completely agreed and told me he respected me for it. He said, we know how we feel about each other and that won’t change so there is no need to rush things. And if they do change then it wasn’t meant to be.
He is not needy. And that is attractive.
On the other hand I sent Martin an email telling him that I was always the person who I said he was, that I would pray for him and his marriage that I thought he should stay in and that I hoped he would have the courage to do the right thing in the moment no matter what the expectations were of those around him. And I asked him to please not contact me ever again. And if he did I would not respond. He promptly wrote back that I was not listening, that he loved me and would forever, and that he was in a hospital ward.
A little bait thrown out to the junky…to see if I still cared. To see if I would bite. Hospital must mean something bad is happening and he knows it goes against every bone in my body to not respond and reach out. But I’m not. I can’t. I can’t go there ever again.
It’s time for me to put up or shut up about my Christian walk. I either trust God with my life or I don’t. If I do that means I have to trust him those last few hours of each day when I’m loneliest without panicking and without making bad choices. If I do that means I have to trust that no matter who He has for me to love someday that day will only come when He allows it, when it’s the right time. And if I act to rush things ahead of that perfect timing my effort and dreams will be for not.
This is not going to be easy for me because I love companionship. I like people. And I am afraid to be alone. I have to be able to say I am not afraid and mean it.
Its not enough to say you are “over someone”. It’s not enough to say I’m past the pain. For me the real question is what am I filling my void with? If it is anything but the Lord, I know things are out of whack. Once that void is filled with God – for real. Then I will be ready to invite someone into my life to share it with me. And not a moment sooner.
So here we go…a whole new adventure. SINGLENESS EMBRACED. Eventually I’ll be able to say that with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes.
I admit to you now that I am approaching this turn in my life with about as much joy and anticipation as an alcoholic going into rehab.
Thank you in advance for your support. I know many of you know from reading my posts that this is the right move for me. It’s also the toughest. So please if you have a little second or two shoot a prayer to the Lord for me to have strength to stay the course on this leg of my journey. It’s not going to be easy for me.