This is the time of year people have long wish lists for Santa Claus. At the top of my list was a big screen TV for me and the kids. I was hoping for a great deal, low price, and all the other pieces to come together that would make that particular wish a reality for me. Like solving the problem of what I’d do with the cable box and dvd player once we mounted the new tv on the wall over the fireplace? How would I hide the wires? Other things on my list were new running shoes, a french press, and some new workout clothes.
I’ve never been a very materialistic person. I can go to the store and see something I love and walk away from it without much pain. I know there are people who can’t. I don’t know why it’s easy for me. It just is. I found these amazing black boots that made my legs look so good. They were on sale from $150 to $50 but I knew even the $50 was too much for me to spend. So I put them back in the box and walked away. I know two of my friends would never have done that. Not only are they shoe people, they are spenders.
I wanted the boots but I didn’t feel like I needed them.
People are a different matter for me. It’s harder for me to walk away from people. Especially if I feel like I need them.
I’m trying to get to the place where I don’t NEED them. I not only think it’s healthier but I think this is taught in the Bible. We are to put God first, not make idols out of people and keep our earthly relationships in perspective. Need God, want people. Not the other way around.
My biggest problem has been night-time. Not bed time so much but the hour or so before bedtime. When I was married it was the happiest part of my day. The kids were down, it was just me and my spouse, we got to relax and talk about adult things and then go to bed together. It was the sweetest time of the day. Now it is the loneliest. I dread this time of the day mostly because I feel like I NEED the companionship of another person. Not sex so much, not someone to sleep next to either. Just the feeling that you have connected with someone who knows you and cares about what happened to you that day.
I’m not sure how to walk away from that when it’s offered to me like I do the purse or pair of shoes? When a great guy wants to chat with me at night and shows up regularly for nice conversation, how do I say….I don’t want to come to rely on you or this so I’m going to just walk away. And be lonely instead. Cause that’s so much better.
And I know some of you are thinking what is the harm in chatting every night before bed with someone? If it fills the void why not? And my point is when I walk away from the shoes I have a void in my closet but it doesn’t pain me to walk away cause I know it’s too much money. The cost is too high.
With a guy, I also know the cost is too high. For whatever reason I have determined that this is not a good idea for me to do…but I have a LOT more trouble saying no. I’m not ready for another relationship. I’m not healed from my fiasco from the last two years. But I keep walking passed the window and looking at the shoes, checking during the day if they are still there. Hoping no one else picks them up because maybe I do want them after all? Instead of knowing there are plenty of good shoes out there and if someone picks this one up I’ll find another….I am starting to believe I need these shoes in particular…at least to try on and see if they are a good fit!
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.
So in my effort to not turn into the crazy woman who leaps over two aisles to grab the pair of shoes from the clutches of another woman in a mad dash to the check-out. I have committed myself to keeping my eyes on God in my loneliest moments. I will read, I will pray not just for myself for the needs of the people I love from a list. I will ask for the need to be taken away so that I will be free someday to just simple want it.
You know it’s like that show Extreme Home Make Over. When someone has lost their home, and this show comes swooping into your life with all these great ideas and you see things you’ve wanted all your life and its being offered to you on a sliver platter…who walks away from that? Who says, no thanks, I think I’ll just live in my tent a while longer until I don’t feel like I need this house so much.
Martin obliterated my dreams. He annihilated the future I agreed to with him. Like a bomb being dropped directly on target. And now H.S. Guy is this normal, nice guy, who is not pressuring me to do anything or commit to anything. He’s just around. He says good morning on text every day, and good night, fills in some space in between. He knows I need to go slow so he isn’t coming on too strong. Not pushy. But even that is attractive to me now. How am I not supposed to feel like I need that? How am I supposed to say…no I’ll just do this on my own thanks.
But I feel like that is what the Lord is telling me to do. At the very least go very, very, slow with him. And in the process someone else might pick up those shoes and buy them when I put them back on the shelf. Or he might get tired of the wait.
I don’t NEED a man. So I must fill that need with other things. Good, healthy things. Not bad, counterproductive things.
No one is going to rescue me this time. I have to rescue myself.