And this my friends is real growth on my part because as I lay there trying to fall asleep. A picture of Martin came into focus. And it was like I was seeing a Monet repainted by Rembrandt which I know is historically impossible…But it’s as if this blurry, paint daubed vision morphed into an intimate and wholly realistic portrait.
I got home that night and I thought, so I’m single huh? What do single people do? They join a dating website. Boom…wow. Brave new world. OK, what to say on my profile?
Single, cute, blonde who has her crap together, its just that she is so freshly single she probably won’t actually date any of you?
For me it’s the two year anniversary of my meeting Martin in the restaurant in Dublin, Ireland. That was a good day. A day for me that signified an end to my despair and pain of the break up of my 18-year marriage and the dawning of a new and happy future filled with adventure, smiles, and hope.
But it doesn’t matter how stupid I think I am…I’m still hanging by this dumb rope and somehow I have to get myself back on solid ground. One way or another it will happen. I’m either gonna fall hard or find the strength.
I thank God for this day. Sixteen years ago I had no idea what I was in for raising a daughter. I’m going to have a friend for life. Yes, she’ll leave me when she goes to college and she’ll start her own family one day hopefully. But I’m so excited for her to become an adult so we can be even closer. In the meantime I will do my best to parent her in a way that brings honor to God. Lord help me to continue to see her and my son as gifts that you’ve given me for a time. And help me to cherish that time because it will be over all too soon.
Really – people are the best gift. They are the only gift that matters.
I talked to him and he was as always heartfelt and sweet, bumbling even. He had absolutely legitimate gripes against me. But they were all in lieu of a panic that I’m sure took over him that even he didn’t quite understand. He is almost 57 years old and had planned quite ambitiously to leave his country, children, job, and all else that he knew for me. And I was looking, after 30 days, like perhaps someone who was not quite worth that sacrifice. I get that. I totally get that.
He is afraid to tell me the truth. Probably because he knows that it will end whatever we had once and for all. We currently have a meeting time this evening for him to talk to me and tell me the truth of what has been going on. I’m not really counting on it. It’s the first time he’s admitted there is something to tell. There is defeat in his tone. For all his faults I don’t think he wants to leave me wondering for the rest of my life. I think he wants to give me closure.
Just a quote as I read before bed from Virginia Woolf “…as she saw…the cloud moving and the tree bending, how life, from being made up of little separate incidents […]