No,  I’m not hearing this.  No,  it can’t be true.  NO NO NO NO….My nose is raw from the snot that keeps dripping.  My eyes hurt.  I don’t know if I’m the stupidest person on the planet or the most heartless depending on the minute.

Martin said he was finally ready to tell me why he disappeared and left me hanging for now 45 days.  I told him I didn’t want to see him so he could chat if he wanted to explain.  He started by telling me what I already knew.  My strong personality frightened him.  the fact that we argued frightened him.  For about 40 minutes it continued like this until I had enough and asked him to get on with it.

Next came the bombshell that he was being sued by his ex for more money.  Basically as a ploy to keep him in the country and from marrying me.  He swears up and down he’s divorced and that he was called by his lawyer the Wednesday (2 days) after I left.  He said he’s fighting it vigorously.  True?  It sounded like it.  He reasoned that he could not manage a wedding, a two continent marriage, fighting a court battle, all with no job in America.  He did not see the feasibility of it especially given that I would also be losing a significant amount of money from my ex after we married.

OK.  Fine.  I was prepared to accept that.  I was emotionally unmoved.  Completely and utterly unshaken.  I meant what I said in the earlier blog post.  Mentally, emotionally, I am prepared and ready to move on with my life and start living on this continent alone.

So what’s the third thing…I just wanted it to be over.  I wanted to be done talking to him.  It’s like a sales person thing.  The longer you keep them talking the better because there is a potential “in”.  I was ready.  I was not going to let him in.  No matter what he said.  No matter what.

He said, “Ok, short and sweet….I have cancer.”

I wanted to throw the computer across the room.

At that moment my son came in the room and wanted me to explain to him how to turn down the thermostat on the heater.  I told him to shut the door.  He asked me again.  I said shut the door.  But mom – shut the door…SHUT THE DOOR NOW!  I screamed.  He looked at me like he hated me and slammed the door shot after calling me a jerk.

Martin explained to me how he found out before I got there for my trip.  That he was determined to not cloud the trip with the news.  It’s skin cancer for sure.  He’s had treatment of some kind for two months.  He said it wasn’t helping.  He’s been in for tests and is awaiting test results on Wednesday that will determine the next course of treatment but he said whatever it is it sounds like it will be acted on fairly quickly.  That is why he was putting me off.  That is why he was trying to convince himself I was better off without him and he needed to stay in England.

I started calling him.  He wouldn’t pick up.  I called and called and finally after bout 15 minutes he answered and by that time I was so angry.  I was angry at what he took away from me.  My rights.  My right to care, to help, to do anything.  He unilaterally made decisions for us from the beginning to suit his own level of comfort.  His plan was to turn me against him all along.  So I would leave him because he knew he couldn’t leave me.

I hate him.  I told him I couldn’t do this, and I wouldn’t let him back in.  I couldn’t take it.  It was just too much.

I don’t know what to think or feel.  Is he lying?  Is he dying?  Is he making more out of it for sympathy.  All of this swirled around my head.

Skin cancer is not deadly if treated.  There are several spots on the top of his head.  He’s freaked out.  I’m angry.

I said, “What do you want?” he said, “I want things back how they were.”  I said, “That can’t happen.  I won’t let that happen.  You and I had a commitment to marry, you completely disregarded that when you chose this path for both of us.  You can’t have it both ways.”

I can’t do this.  It’s too much.  I can’t.

I was READY.  Ready to move on and he knew it.  So is this why he is telling me?  Is it another lie?  How do I know?

I told him I was going to have a life here.  I was not going to sit on my bed and cry.  I had to have a normal life.

H.S. Guy or whoever else comes along is REAL.  He is honest.  I like him! I really do like H.S. Guy.  I was smiling again.  Yesterday I even ate.  A real meal.  And now what?

We said good-bye after I said this.

“Martin, the only way to do this is if you believe you and I are never getting back together.  You have no chance.  Zero.  Because if you believe even a 1/2% that there is maybe a chance, you will create a fantasy again and make-believe everything is good and fine and okay and lie through your teeth.  You will deny reality until it comes slamming down on top of you.  We are through.  We are over.  I can’t do this.  I care about you.  But you have to stand on your own two feet and your own feet of faith.  And you can’t say your scared and have that be your excuse for bad behavior.  For lies.  You have to be strong, and courageous and you have to do the right thing instead of be a weasel.  So you let me know what the doctor says on Wednesday in an email.  I don’t want to talk to you.  I’m sorry but this is just how it has to be.”

He said okay and goodbye.  He was crying.  I was not.  But I haven’t stopped since we hung up.

Anger does not even come close.  Rage.  Rage and fear and sadness in a perfect storm of emotion. No matter how hard I tried talking myself out of reacting to this news…I was on auto pilot.  If it was the truth.  What if it was the truth?

I walked out of my room and tried to explain to my still aggressive son the news I had just heard.  He wanted to fight instead of be understanding.  He stomped, he slammed doors.  He told me off.  I couldn’t deal.  I just couldn’t.  I told him he could live with his father if he couldn’t respect me in my own home.  He agreed and promptly told his father and Facebook that he got kicked out of his house.

My ex thankfully is always supportive when it comes to how I parent.  He had just arrived to take my son for the weekend. He sat my son down and asked me what was going on.  We reviewed and he was supportive trying to get my son to see his obligation to shut doors when asked by a parent instead of arguing.  At the very end I told my ex why I was upset and what I had just been told.  He understood.  He told my son he was way out of line and needed to give me some grace.

My ex started crying at that point and said at the very least he could give his mother a hug.  With me crying, my ex crying, my son crying and Martin doing God knows what in England…I just needed to leave.

I said, “I’m just tired.  I’m tired of getting stomped on.  Enough is enough.  I can’t do this anymore.  I’m done talking. I just want to stop hurting.” And I disappeared crying in my room.

My son came in a few minutes later with pain on his face and wet cheeks saying he was sorry.  I told him I had heard it before.  Instead of accepting his apology.  I just shook my head and told him to leave.  He left in tears.

I’m so tired of doing the right thing every time only to get bit hard for it.  I can’t let Martin back in.  I can’t.  I can’t let this change anything.  I won’t.

But I can’t stop crying.  I know I have to stick to my guns.  I will.  But my stomach did not take the food I ate well.  I once again have knots that almost force the food back up.

I  know after a few days I will know more, Martin will know more and I’m sure he will be fine.  He’s just scared.  That was clear.  But in the meantime.  I wish I could just check out for a while. Like a computer just go into sleep mode and shut everything down.

I wish I could close my eyes and make it all go away.  Especially the feeling of getting sucked up inside myself like shirt that you have to take off over your head but it’s too tight.  That feeling of panic like you’re in a straight jacket and there is nothing you can possibly do to escape for real.

I’m alone until 10:30 tonight when my daughter gets home from her football game.  And I have no idea what to do other than what I’m doing…

All I keep saying is the word NO.

P.S.  I went to the gym.  I ran 2 miles and worked my abs, arms, and took out all my aggression on the weights until I couldn’t move.

8 responses to “NO

  1. Aw, so so sorry to hear all this. After all that’s happened, my first, dreadful thought was – he’s lying. He’s totally the boy who cried wolf. Hopefully he’s not lying – but then he’s dealing with cancer. It’s all hideous. This is very hard for you to handle – I hope you have some friends who can help you deal with the next couple of days. Thinking of you. xxx

    • Thank you yes I have people…but they don’t know really what its like. I just need to focus where I’m at. It will be ok. He does have skin cancer its just that he wants me to think it is worse and be scared. It’s horrible of me…but I just can’t.

  2. I know it’s hard, but I think your sticking to your guns is the proper action at this point. The brief little glimpse of happiness you wrote about feeling with HS Guy is what you need to focus in on. I don’t know Martin’s particular Skin Cancer history, but I have battled Skin Cancer for nearly 10 years, and have had to have many of them surgically removed, always with the fear of Melanoma…..etc…… It’s not a death sentence by any means. My family and I laugh about it…. “Good grief Dad…another one?…put on a hat!” I pray that Martin’s isn’t an easily treated type of Skin Cancer and that he was just playing that card as a last resort for sympathy……. I fear he may have because many guys don’t think rationally when they are desparate. I hope things have calmed down a bit in your house now…. Try to get some of that happiness back from HS Guy…. even if nothing comes of it….enjoy the happy times for as long as they last.

  3. I’m sorry and I know. I feel your pain and understand. Sometimes this life gets so darned hard. At times like these I would love to have a miracle answer and cure I know jesus is the answer I just wish we could here it more audibly and have him wipe away all the hurt. Just isn’t as easy as that though.

  4. Wow, Livvy. My jaw dropped reading about the three things Martin hadn’t told you. Each of them surprised me, but of course, the skin cancer surprised me most, and is a sad thing, very sad, especially if true (even worse if not true…?). I’m sorry about the blowout with your son too, and your ex is good for helping to try and rectify it and get your son to see what he did was wrong. I wish I could reach through and give you a hug of support, but I will keep you in my prayers. You are incredibly strong.

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