I talked to him and he was as always heartfelt and sweet, bumbling even.  He had absolutely legitimate gripes against me.  But they were all in lieu of a panic that I’m sure took over him that even he didn’t quite understand.  He is almost 57 years old and had planned quite ambitiously to leave his country, children, job, and all else that he knew for me.  And I was looking, after 30 days, like perhaps someone who was not quite worth that sacrifice.  I get that.  I totally get that.

As we talked he melted like I thought he would.  Like he knew he would.  He kept saying over and over and over again how unique I was, how special, how beautiful.  He kept smacking his head with the palm of his hand and saying, “I tried to stay away but I can’t.”

I told him if anything the fact that we deal with conflict and fear THIS differently is reason enough not to get married, and to break up.  He said, “Okay.”

It was sad.  Very sad.

But the most sad of all was what he didn’t say.  There are things I KNOW.  That he didn’t own up to.  I half expected him to because I figured he wanted out anyway so might as well.  But I should have known better.  When I asked he had an explanation that I’m sure in his mind seemed plausible enough.  Only I knew better.  It was unbelievable.  Truly.

I do not doubt for one second this man loved me the best he could.  Deeply.  If he had gotten that first job we would be married by now.  He’d be living here.  But so many obstacles were put in our path.  So many that we defied.

We laughed and talked about how we grated on each other while we were together for so long, continuously on this last trip.  I shrugged my shoulders and told him I expected it.   That I tried to tell him I was hard to live with.  He admitted that he didn’t realize it but so was he.  I agreed.

We smiled.

It wasn’t worth it to me to press the truth issue.  I knew he would keep trying to get out from under it.  So I let him think I believed him.  He looked so sad and so lonely.  I know he will be.

It’s just such a damn shame because had he been strong enough to deal with the truth within himself.  Wow.  We would have grown old laughing and fighting and marveling at how we made each other better people.

He kept saying, “You made me a better me.” or something to that effect.  He aspired to be what I wanted him to be.  Only …I don’t know.  I guess he wasn’t ready.

I don’t know how to let him go.  I don’t know how to stop loving him.  I know he isn’t the person I should marry.  I know he has lots of growth to do…

What surprised me was how insecure he was.  He mentioned things that I said in passing about how some other guy was looking at me…I meant it to be a compliment to him that despite looks…I had eyes only for him.  But it made him nervous.  He mentioned how secure I was in conversations and how I didn’t defer to him.  I reminded him he said he liked my strength and confidence.  And he shook his head in defeat and said that maybe he was less confident than I realized.

As much as I’d like to think of him as a lying bastard who bilked a fantasy for his own pleasure.  I can’t.  Cause he seemed like a 15 year old boy to me.  Just scared.  Lying from fear.

His knee jerk reaction in times of distress also seems to run and hide and only peek out after a good long while.  So much like a little kid.  So sad.

At one point he said, “You are great.”  And I said, “I know.”

It surprised him.  That I said that.  But then I said, “You made it so I could say that and believe it.  Thank you for that. At least I know it now.”

He shook his head and I could tell he did not have a plan as to what to do next.

I told him how on my drive home I stopped in my tracks when I heard a Neil Young song.  A different one that I wrote about before.  I told him he wouldn’t guess it.  He didn’t.  So I told him.  “Birds.”  He said, “Birds?”  And I said, yeah…it’ll blow you away.  But it’s sad so don’t listen to it tonight.  I think it was 3:00 o’clock in the morning when we said good night.

Here are the lyrics to the song.

Birds – by Neil Young

there will be another one
Who’ll hover
over you beneath the sun
see the things
that never come

When you see me
Fly away without you
Shadow on the things you know
Feathers fall around you
And show you the way to go
It’s over, it’s over.

in your wings my little one
This special
morning brings another sun
see the things
that never come

When you see me
Fly away without you
Shadow on the things you know
Feathers fall around you
And show you the way to go
It’s over, it’s over.

It’s a sad, sad song but not without hope.

Our first song was about flying.  So is our last.

I know I will love this man forever.  Despite his lying.  Despite his flaws, failings, aggression, stupidity.

Unbelievably after all the tears and pain and heartache.  I just want him to still want Jesus.  I guess that is when you really know you believe.  I do.  And that is also where it all started.  With me just wishing he knew Jesus.

4 responses to “Unbelievable

  1. Wow. I think you are coming full circle, Livvy, to a point where you can see how you got out of this relationship and vice versa, and how you are still learning from it and how you can apply that, moving forward. That is some serious perspective and strength. That song is tragically beautiful but also, as you say, not without hope.

  2. How ironic that song would be your last. Beautiful ending. Tragic and devastatingly sad but beautiful in its own way. Take care of yourself.

  3. Pingback: Wisdom from a Hairstylist Part 3 | Improvised Life·

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