My greatest fear is that what happened will make me incapable of trusting again. I was so shy in the beginning and wanted to go so slow and he was so enthusiastic and kept pushing me into a deeper relationship quicker than I wanted to move. Another warning sign I chose to ignore. But will I ever trust again? At this point I can’t see me ever believing another man.
Today I drove into work to the boss who was the most awesome boss in the world allowing me to work from England and miss key meetings so I could plan my wedding. First thing she said was, let me see the ring. I had to tell her I didn’t have one yet. To which she got a funny quizzical look on her face. Then said that she thought we would have taken care of that while I was there to which I replied that I thought that too.
My sadness is speaking today. Not my hope. My promise for the future is secure. I know I’m going to be okay. But that won’t be enough for the readers. They want to see a happy ending and that means guy moves to America, gets the girl and they live happily ever after.
Yes. Patience is a calculated non-action. I’m convinced. If I don’t act I do not actively change the course of events. But I change them passively. Because my inaction leads to a different conclusion than my action would have. Get it? I was told by Martin he needed a few days. I don’t know what that means quantifiably but I’m curtailing my “need to know” and letting it ride.
Sometimes people are ready to love you like you need to be loved. Sometimes they do the best they can. True love is accepting this reality and not expecting another person to fulfill all of your needs and desires. I get that. I know I’m ready to commit myself in marriage to someone else who gets that too. I’m wondering if Martin gets that or if he was supremely disappointed. Time will tell.
But even more than that since we’ve been moving around so much I am constantly getting “used” to a new setting. The one constant is Martin. He has been the only constant. And his eyes except for the three days when he lost his reading glasses have been on me. He has been my mirror, looking at me keenly and closely. Seeing me at my best and worst, at times of frustration, fancy, fun, and fighting.
We were following the sat-nav (GPS devise) so I was fairly confident we were heading in the right direction until the grass in the middle of the road grew up so high our car could barely make it through. The lane became so narrow we could hear the twigs screeching along the side of our car. Martin asked me if I was filming it and I told him I was too scared. It was pitch black. When we reached the dead end and no cottage I was praying we would have a signal at all on Martin’s cell phone and also praying the woman who was our contact would answer.