As much as I want to look forward to each new day the nights suck. Just saying. I’m scaring myself with how healthy I’m acting. But I do miss him. So much. Every time I get a little pang I just talk myself out of it. It’s easy with him not around. I can’t imagine what I would do if he were right in front of me. We both melt in each other’s presence.
My pastor broke up with his wife of over 35 years 5 or 6 times before they got married because they fought so much. If fighting was all it was….I know we could have gotten through it.
I’m just so disappointed. I so wasn’t expecting this. It’s just weird. I feel like if I thought I was living an alternate reality in England….THIS really is the real alternate reality which I guess makes things a little complicated.
I had a nice night with my family who were all supportive and I told them very, very little. Just that it seemed like we were trying to make it happen and that didn’t feel right. Is that vague enough?
I don’t know why I didn’t blast him. I couldn’t. I just see him as flawed. He did love me. I know he did. And he probably did most of what he did because he was weak. I have a soft spot for weak. My husband was weak too. I always made excuses for him.
I need to stop doing that and expect more for myself.
One of the things Martin would say to keep me close was … kind of a fear thing…”think of the jerks you could have dated who would have mistreated you…you want to go through that?” haha…Funny.
I get a compulsive lying man who disappears instead of communicates and that is supposed to be a win for me.
My daughter is heart-broken. Truly. I have been so good with all of this emotionally but this morning I was just sad. And she was holding me and telling me she wishes it were different. And in her 15-year-old mind trying to make me feel better said…”Well mom at least you don’t have to shave his head or his ears again…”
To which I said…”Yeah on the ears but I liked his little bald head.” And we kind of laughed. Kind of.
It’s 11:45 and I am in an empty house. I’ll wake up in an empty house and part of me is okay with that and part of me is screaming for a hug.
One day and night at a time I guess.