I was told by a good friend the other day who has never once criticized me that perhaps there is one thing I need to improve on. Patience. My need to know. Right away.
I think I’m about as patient as anyone I know. But the more I thought and watched people on TV as I have been watching a lot of TV in the last few days catching up on fall programs I’ve missed of Castle and The Mentalist in particular trying to empty my DVR. I’ve noticed that some people are quite patient by nature. They can wait things out and the absence of action on their part is not a weakness it is actually a strength. A calculated non-action.
Yes. Patience is a calculated non-action. I’m convinced. If I don’t act I do not actively change the course of events. But I change them passively. Because my inaction leads to a different conclusion than my action would have. Get it?
I was told by Martin he needed a few days. I don’t know what that means quantifiably but I’m curtailing my “need to know” and letting it ride.
I’m going to bed at 9 pm each night with the assistance of Mr. Ambien. I’m reading books, spending time with my kids, working and taking care of myself. Only when I allow myself to look at pictures or movies from my trip do I get a little bit anxious as to why Martin has needed this long in solitude away from me.
Instantly I erase that thought from my brain and realize I need it too. I’m actually enjoying it.
I don’t blame him for needing time away in fact I think I really needed it too. And I feel a weight has been lifted off of me in a way.
Maybe that intense month of togetherness was too surreal for reality. Like a bet between two twisted scientists…”Let’s see how long they can act blissfully happy in a state of psuedo normalcy marked by the guilt of gratitude for what they get pitted against the strain of constant companionship.”
I hear the wicked laughter now in big bellowing tones of the scientist….” HA HA HA HA….” As we snipped and snapped at each other one minute and squeezed and hugged each other the next remarking how blessed we were.
Patience is a virtue they say. One can be patient waiting in line. Or patient with the faults and failings of another person. That is two different kinds of patience I think. I’m really not good with the first one that is true. And I do really have a need to know what the heck is going on most of the time.
But I get flawed people. I grew up with flawed people. I have patience for that.
It’s Saturday morning and I continue to wait. Drinking my coffee, reading my book. The sun is just now peeking out through the morning clouds which means today probably won’t hit 100 degrees like the past three days. I have a stack of bills to sort through. A $490 ticket to pay for a rolling right turn on a red light. Towels to fold. Toilet paper to buy and finally a suitcase to unpack.
I’m home. I’m thankful I have the home Martin does not. I pray that he is okay.
It’s like I’ve emerged from the experiment a changed person with a completely different point of view. I’m not the mouse in the maze scurrying through the passage way only seeing what is in front of me. It’s like I’ve been given the map and I see there are two or three different ways to go. All of them will lead to victory. Knowing that allows me to be passive at this moment and wait.
So. Wait I will.
What irks me is the total silence for almost 5 days. Not even knowing if he is okay. Him not even knowing if I am. There is a coldness in the silence from this that does not feel loving. It feels bad.