My Heart Today


Poor Martin.  He is so busy lately.  So busy.  And he is always making himself available to me, going over and beyond what is reasonable to expect, like getting up at 5:30 AM just so we have longer to talk when I have to go to bed early for a work day.  And all this effort is met on Skype by me with tears.  I told him today that I’m not sad, but the tears pouring out of my eyes left him with a confused look on his face.  There is not much more he can do.  He’s maxed out.

Sitting here in my house alone as my son is at work after his second day of his senior year in high school and my daughter is at band practice I wanted to explain where the tears came from to him.  He’s sleeping soundly at 1:00 AM gearing up for a fun day at the races tomorrow with his boss.  He will also be having his annual review tomorrow and we are hoping to find out if a redundancy package is in his near future.

So I typed him this email and I thought I’d share it with you.  Because it describes where my heart is this afternoon.  Hopefully it makes sense.  And of course I cried at I wrote it:

Dear Martin,

It just hit me.  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  🙂  Sorry I keep getting teary eyed.  I’m not sad.  I’m overwhelmed.  Completely overwhelmed with gratitude every time I look at you.  It’s just hitting me that you and I have stayed the course and all my dreams that I’ve been afraid to dream are coming true.  That realization hits me every time I see you.  Every time I think about a wedding, a dress, a location, a cottage, my trip, and getting a month off from being a full-time mom.

I sat in my house after I was left in utter panic when I thought about my future.  Would I be financially stable?  Would I get a life on my own where I would be happy and not feel rejected?  I spent many days and nights wondering where, when and how I would come out of the pit.  I did know that eventually I would, but had no clue what shape it would take.

So when I think of Dublin, of Huntington Beach, of London, of Teignmouth, Cornwall, Malibu, Santa Monica, and all the places in between I am confronted with memories that demonstrate a tender love I didn’t believe existed outside of my grandmother.  I am confronted with a passion I never knew that could be matched.  I am confronted with a tenacious commitment that gives me courage and determination.

And I’m in awe of our Glorious Lord who knew it was coming when I had no clue supernaturally guiding us toward each other.  When I was blindly walking in the rain toward that restaurant and was pointed the right way to go by the man on the bicycle I had met in the sauna hours before who just happened to ride up next to me as I was contemplating going a different direction.  I’m in awe of His hand making way for good things in our lives.  For making dreams come true, for healing hurts, for giving us hope for something beyond what I could have ever imagined or expected.

And even more –  I’m in awe of the balance we have because of the distance and time it’s taken us to get this far.  As I fell in love with you I realized quite rightly that I was not choosing you so you could make everything right in my life or because you were perfect.  But I was choosing you because I didn’t want to go through my life without you and you helped me to see how good I could be.

And this day, the one year anniversary of my divorce and the conclusion of yours…I see clearly and emphatically how much better my life is because you became my friend and chose to love me enough to put up with two years apart, job disappointments, scoffers, and many transatlantic trips.

Thank you so much.  Thank you for making me laugh even when there are tears in my eyes.  Thank you for making me see the world a different way.  Thank  you for praying for me and being patient.  Thank you for your silliness and your seriousness, for your strength and for your gentleness.

I could not have dreamed of a better suited man for me than you.  You tick all my boxes.  And I love you with all my heart.

That is where my tears come from.  Not sadness.  But overwhelming gratitude for what God has blessed me with in you.

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2 responses to “My Heart Today

  1. Wow, that was a tearjerker…brought tears to my eyes too. what a beautiful letter and a beautiful time for you both. end of his marriage, one year after your divorce. Coudn’t be more perfect. So SO happy for you both!

  2. Pingback: Tears Today… « Memoirs Of A Madonna·

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