Three years ago I was a busy mom with too many things on my to-do list and not enough time. I had three people who needed me. Three people I could count on to fill my day. Some days were better than others. And I complained about all I had to do. But before I knew it the clock told me it was 10 o’clock and I slipped into bed ready to wake at 6:30 for another go.
Today I spent alone and it happens all too often. I talked to Martin twice on Skype about our upcoming trip and I cried three times. I ran 2 1/2 miles and on my last leg the Carpenters song “Only Yesterday” came on followed by “I Dreamed a Dream” and by the time I reached my front door I was sobbing.
I watched Love and Other Drugs tonight. It was very risqué and had more than enough nudity for my taste. But at the heart of it was a story about a shallow man who had chased materialism and pleasure his entire life and had run as far away from expectations and responsibility who meets a girl with Parkinson’s, and falls in love. He realizes that because he met her he was changed forever. You guessed it, more tears.
I have no idea why I’m so emotional but part of me is incredibly overwhelmed.
The thought of something going right for us is overwhelming. I’m so grateful to my boss. I’m so grateful I have the kind of job that allows me to work anywhere. I realize what a gift that is. I’m overwhelmed that we have the money to make the trip. I have so much. I should be too grateful to be sad.
So why the tears?
Honestly. And this might sounds strange. I think the tears are fear. Things have been so good with Martin. So good. So real. So open. So much better and it was never even bad. I have not one complaint.
I’m going to England for a month to plan a wedding with a man I met on vacation in Ireland who lives in England. Who has come to be my closest and dearest friend and I know the one man I was meant to be with. I’ve got him. He’s got me. Well…nearly.
It’s like our relationship is a precious Ming Dynasty vase that has just been discovered and very rare. There was an auction and a bidding war. I won. I got the vase. The elation from the victory was quickly followed by working out the logistics. I needed to get it into my house and it’s coming from a long distance and needs to be packed carefully and transported to me from another country. Unfortunately upon entering the US it got stuck in customs and is sitting among less valuable items waiting to be given the go ahead. So it’s still not safe. It’s not with me. It’s just sitting there and could get damaged. There could be an accident. And so while I’m super excited for what I got…I’m afraid something is going to happen to it before I actually “get it”.
This morning he’s driving to Bristol to transport a piece of furniture for one of his daughters. And I’m sitting in my muggy, hot, house with my dog Lucy at nearly one o’clock in the morning writing this blog entry instead of having a life.
I watched my movie, got my favorite meal from Chili’s to-go. I even ran earlier and then went for a swim in my pool. I DO the right things. But I just miss other people. I miss my kids. I miss Martin.
I just see the trip as God’s gift to us to keep our hope alive, our spirits up, and our relationship strong. It is exactly what we needed on many levels.
For 33 days this will be my song:
By the Carpenters
After long enough of being alone,
everyone must face their share of loneliness.
In my own time nobody knew
the pain I was goin’ through.
Waitin’ was all my heart could do.
Hope was all I had until you came,
maybe you can’t see how much you mean to me.
You were the dawn breaking the night,
the promise of morning light
filling the world surroundin’ me.
When I hold you, baby, baby,
feels like maybe things will be all right.
Baby, baby, your love’s made me free as a song
singin’ for ever.
Only yesterday I was sad and I was lonely.
You showed me the way to leave the past
and all its tears behind me.
Tomorrow may be even brighter than today,
since I threw my sadness away only yesterday.
(instrumental and vocal bridge)
I have found my home here in your arms,
nowhere else on earth I’d really rather be.
Life waits for us, share it with me,
The best is about to be,
And so much is left for us to see.