I can chalk up some stuff to water under the bridge and if I’m in the right mood all of it. You live and learn. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. But this weekend was my ex’s 25th year high school reunion. He met up with his best friend and his wife who have supported me along the way with encouragement and sympathy. He met up with them and his new partner, girlfriend, love, or whatever you want to call her. I tend to lean toward more vulgar names that I wouldn’t publish. Most of me was okay with this reality. What’s done is done and all that. But a small part of me wanted to be there for me. To see all our friends again from high school. To show them I’m 20 lbs lighter. To be happy and smile and have fun.
When I think about my ex sometimes all I think about is “us”. Not him and me or what was wrong with him or me. But the “us” we were for 23 years. He was part of my identity. That is what happens when you get married. You allow yourselves to melt into each other. I did. Then I had to find the just me again and I did but it wasn’t easy.
Now I have “my life” and I’m happy. Truly. But I think sometimes in weak moments about what if he never texted her that he missed her on our cruise. What if her husband had never called the house angry. What if he had trusted me to love him and put him first as I was trying to do. What if things had gone differently.
I would have been on my way to LA last night with him all dressed up to meet his best friend and wife. I would have tried unsuccessfully to coax him out of his chair to dance. I would have told him he looked great, knowing he was 30 lbs overweight. I would have been looking for anyone to talk to. I would have been miserable.
Even still I was sad and mourned this afternoon over that. Maybe cause I thought I should? I don’t know. He was my husband and I loved him. But I don’t anymore. You can’t when someone is wicked toward you. Love turns to regret.
So instead of sitting in that stew of sadness I chose to see my new reality that even still surprises me.
Martin rang me at 9:42 AM and we talked for 3 hours on Skype. I made breakfast for myself and went about my day at home and he was there with me. Winding down a hot summer evening in Exeter. I even got to say hello to his brother. We tried to plan our next visit. And dreamed about me going over to England for a month. Could that be possible?
I work from home so why not? I’d have to find someone to look after my kids but why not their dad? Is it possible? Maybe. Why not go for my 42 birthday and stay to our 2nd anniversary? That would be exactly 45 days. I’ve never spent 45 day with him before. My kids would miss me too much.
You see, there is so much going on in my head. Too much. He is checking on Monday about the papers that were to be filed while he was away.
After we hung up on Skype I was trying to decide what I should do and I made a photo book of his trip here with his girls. While I was working that blasted John Denver song Leaving on a Jet Plane came on Pandora. This time while listening to it I heard every word. And I thought…wow. Wow.
Every single word of it is us. Every single word. How amazing that we sang it our first night meeting. We had no clue. No idea what we were in store for.
He is wonderful. Even with his flaws he is better than any man I have ever known. He lets me in. Somewhere I never was with my ex.