Fixing a Hole

I never did drugs.  Not once in my life.  People say this song is about drugs but it speaks to me today.  I was talking to Martin before he went off to bed and I said “to keep my mind from wandering” and as if on cue he began singing it.

My mind has been all over the place today.  I’m supposed to be working to make up for vacation days I’m taking next week.  But my mind is wandering.

Not sure where this came from.  Maybe the insecure feeling I have anticipating the trip next week for Martin and his girls.  I looked on Facebook and looked through an album from 2009 of him with his girls and wife at Christmas.  I tried to put myself there.  A hurting, broken family, trying to make the best of things on Christmas.  I’ve been there.  That was only a month after I met him. I looked at the picture of his wife and tried to put myself in her place.  It’s not too far of a stretch.  She must have been hurting.

I read a few old posts on my blog  about nasty arguments I had with my ex-husband.  I looked back one year.  Our divorce was not yet final at that point.  It would be two months later.  Then I realized I have been single for almost a full year and yet I’ve never felt less alone since knowing Martin.

I’ve been celebrating the fact that so much time has gone by with Martin.  We marvel at how we know each other better and how we are much closer because of all the trials we have been through.

So far so good with my mind wanderings…But then all of a sudden like a bee that appears out of nowhere and goes straight for your ear there was this sudden distraction in my head.  Or to borrow from Lennon and McCartney a hole where the rain gets in.  This flood of feelings washed into my brain and all I could think about was my ex and this woman he is with and how they have been together now since September 2007 that I know of.  Probably longer.  That is almost four years.  And it hit me.  That sick feeling in my gut reminding me how it felt to be betrayed.  That is a hole that could do some fixing.

Where did that come from? I  know I should expect these revisiting feelings by now.  Martin says we are human and have memories and from time to time tragedies in our lives come up to bite us again and we can’t help feeling the feelings but we shouldn’t let them seethe in us and turn into bitterness.  We can’t help that they come.  He is very right.

I read more posts from last year and I do see lots of growth in me and my kids.  We are happier.  They are dealing with their dad better.  Less angry.

Speaking of angry – Martin got an angry text from his wife the other day.  It said one word and it wasn’t a kind one.  It took me aback.  I have been known to lash out.   For example, I’ve played out the scenario in my head of seeing my ex with the woman who I emailed begging her to stay away from my husband.  Spoke to on the phone, her telling me she would leave him alone.  Then realizing as the months ticked by they had no intention of breaking it off.  Seeing her  in person for the first time which I’ve miraculously avoided up to this point would be a character challenging moment for me.  I get where anger comes from.

I did not break up Martin’s marriage.  But I am this “other woman” all the same.  And sometimes that anger just hits you.  For all the years gone.  I get it.

We can’t help it when our mind wanders this way sometimes.  But how we react to it is telling about our character I guess.

My day of reckoning will come some day.  I will see them together and I will need to refer to the Holy Spirit to guide me supernaturally cause I have a feeling that is the only way I’m going to get through it with my head held high.  I hope it is a long way off.

I know without a shadow of doubt that I am exactly where God wants me.  Even alone most days.

I asked Martin, “How lucky are we that we got it all?  You are the one person I have the most fun with being silly and dorky yet you are also the one who I can be the most serious with.  We love each other and the Lord and we have a very strong physical attraction?  Who gets that all in one person?  How were we so lucky?”  And without missing a beat he said, “Perhaps the trade-off is I’m 6000 miles away.”  There is that.  Haha.  But we can laugh about it.

My entire life I have felt alone.  This song I’m fixated on today talks about people not understanding and being outside a door.  I’ve always felt that as close as I have been to some people there was ALWAYS this one thing that kept us from truly understanding one another.  Sometimes more than one thing.  But I mean everyone I have ever known.  Family, friends, ex-husbands alike.  Where the arrows simply were pointed in too different a direction to ever touch.  But with Martin, they all point at each other.  We are not identical but we get each other.  We understand and we are in each other’s doors standing in the same room and now instead of alone we are together.

How lucky is that?

And as my mind continues to wander the anger I felt a minute ago  is replaced with gratitude, contentment, and peace.  Not because this has been easy, nothing valuable ever comes easy.  But because it is a good place to be.

One response to “Fixing a Hole

  1. Gratitutde, contentment and peace. you deserve everything you have worked so hard for. You both do. Your feelings are natural. It’s a progression, an evolution, but you are moving to a new phase with Martin, and I can’t wait to see how your visit goes!! Funny, I’ll be in that area next week with M…I’ll be thinking of you! And we’ll definitely have to find a time to meet up when I am out again too 🙂

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