It must be the thousands of people she talks to each day and the decades she’s been at it but my hairdresser is full of truth. I have been trying to grow out my hair in case I wanted an updo for my big day. Today I said she could chop it off so she knew something was up.
I told her the wedding has been postponed. I didn’t share the details. She got that look in her eye and put her hand on my shoulder and said again. “Livvy I’m gonna tell you something.” If she were a big Jamaican woman with a thick accent I would believe she was a wise fortune-teller at this point because she’s been dead on every time. Instead she is a petite, cute, 50-something who is a born again Christian who happens to also be very real and practical and dare I say wise.
She said, “Don’t listen to other people. Most of them are miserable in their own personal lives and love to give advice and revel in your misery cause it makes them feel better. Don’t let anyone tell you God thinks this isn’t right for you. Wait to hear that yourself. Cause something that important He would certainly let you know before the lady who lives down the street or your friend that checks in on you once a month. And believe me. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. We all have stuff we have to deal with. And we make our way and honor God and that is the best anyone could ask for.”
I told her that has been my biggest lesson from the last month. She had no clue what has been going on.
But it was good confirmation for me.
I have asked Martin to be patient with me especially upon his return to his world.
We had a hiccup last night because he made a comment to a work colleague on Facebook. A completely innocuous statement that I went crazy jealous over. This particular person had some negative things to say about me early in our relationship just because I was an American and that set my mind on overdrive being that this person was also female. I freaked out. He was waking up after a fitful night sleep and had only 30 minutes to get ready for a work day that included him presenting and hosting to 50 people all day long.
I did my insecure girlfriend thing (which I never do but I succumbed to it last night). He had his own complaints about something unrelated and all of a sudden we were in full on reactive mode. Like the frenzy you find yourself in trying to kill a spider your afraid of. Reactive.
I’m super afraid of bugs. People who aren’t afraid calmly get up for a tissue, squish it and problem is solved. But because of fear something else happens to me. One time I was sitting on a chair. Out of the corner of my eye I see this thing coming down from the ceiling the same time someone yells, “Spider!” I literally lifted myself into the air swatting at about 90 beats a minute with both hands flailing in the air, lost my balance and landed sideways on my hip bone onto the floor. Turns out they were only joking and what I had seen out of the corner of my eye was just some dust.
That is kind of what happened last night. We worked it out easily today when we were both not tired and had time to chat. We agreed that this was just going to be part of the healing process until he had earned back my trust. It shouldn’t have been a big deal but it was because I was afraid.
Thank God. He does get me. He didn’t disagree with me when I told him I was a handful, but he also told me he loved me and we’d get through it.
And we’ll do it by staying close to each other in our hearts even when we can’t be in the same room.
Fear does crazy things to us doesn’t it? I hate it. But at the same time this is the consequence to the damage that has been done between us. Forgiveness or no, there are still consequences and damage. That is how it works.
He has a letter waiting for him at home from the solicitor. Apparently it’s a move in the right direction but not a done deal yet. He is meeting with his daughters for dinner tomorrow to plan their trip.
Little by little. Day by day. And I’m still watching and waiting. In the meantime I am sure I’m on the right path at this point. And I’m the only one I have to convince.