The last three weeks have been difficult for me in many ways. I’ve flipped, I’ve flopped, I’ve crashed, I’ve risen. I’ve cut off friends who I thought were being too harsh, sometimes because I wanted to be the angriest person out there. I wanted to have my time to process that anger myself.
With Martin I have gone from not speaking to him, to emails that spiraled from misunderstanding to hurt feelings back to Skype phone calls for better communication. We’ve been putting off a lot of the deepest conversation until we are in person. We are both dreading the necessary impending conflict.
I’ve evolved from considering myself practically a married woman, to thinking long and hard about the single life and its benefits. The possibility of someone “else” out there only to return back to wondering how I could survive without his arms hugging me and that smile looking at me with a love I’ve never seen aimed at me.
He’s taken steps where he is at to solve some issues. He’s remained fairly humbled definitely remorseful, but has also done some really stupid things in the mean time. Which cause me to shake my head and wonder if he’s sabotaging this unconsciously or wonder if he really is that stupid.
I truly don’t know what the outcome will be. Part of me wants nothing more than all of it to get worked out. But another part of me feels a little bit trapped because I think telling him we are through would be the most devastating thing I could say to him after all he has done to show his commitment to me financially, emotionally and with his time. But I know this is my life and I have to make the right decision for me.
I think I will know when I see him. Maybe not instantly but it will become clear. I’m trusting God on that one.
He’s flying as I type. I’m picking him up in a little under 8 hours.
Please pray for us to accept the outcome whatever it is.
I do love him very much. He’s turned my life around in so many ways. He has lots of great qualities. Lots. I just don’t know if I can trust him anymore and even if I convince myself to give him another chance. I don’t know if I will ever stop wondering if he is giving me a story or the truth.
When I would play Truth or Dare as a kid, teen. or young adult, I would ALWAYS choose truth over dare. I’m not and have never been afraid to be honest with people. I figure being real is the greatest asset I have. People like it and appreciate it. I was always afraid of what they would come up for me to do on a dare. What if it was embarrassing , or too risqué?
But in this situation I’m being asked to do both. Bare my soul to this other human being but also dare to step out into one of two scary options. Two because doing nothing is not an option. I can either say “I can’t do this.” and walk away alone into the unknown and limitless possibilities as a woman of the Lord trying to make my way in the single world. Or I can say, “I want this” and place my courage in the trust and word of another person. Both options are daring. Both have risk.
And truth be told, I don’t know how much to share with him about the truth either. I’ve been a bit of a loose cannon these past few weeks. So angry. Defiant almost. Some of it won’t be productive to share at all.
But when playing that game the one thing you never did was balk on a dare. If you chose dare you had to do it. And I know I entered into this relationship knowing there would be risks. So I’m going in and I will not shrink from the dare.
Funny thing is though that some people play that game and choose truth without any intention of divulging it. They just lie. And that breaks the rules doesn’t? And if people don’t follow the rules then I guess all bets are off and there is no game.
See? Flippy meets floppy once again.
I pray for clarity. I pray for God to direct my path, my lips, my thoughts, my words. But I know that I am highly emotional and I don’t do a great job at listening when I’m upset. So I pray for calm as well.
Calm as I drive to LAX once again to pick up this man who by his own description is old, bald, pudgy, and short. A man who dreamed of meeting someone he could love and connect with someday but never believed that dream would come true and when it did he was so afraid of losing it that he lied to keep it and created a fantasy of sorts. Now he is facing reality. And he has no idea what the outcome will be either. I feel for the guy. I know he’s risked so much.
So I also pray for a fair mind. One who can see him clearly with the flaws he has in perspective and not blown out of proportion to his many strengths.
Thank you for joining me in that prayer.