I’m Confused


I started this blog as a diary to myself so I guess I need to stay true to it and not write with the thought of letting down people who have been given hope in my story.  My story is just that…mine.  I own it and I have to live it and I’m living a painful chapter this week.

It began on Saturday.  My daughter had an awards ceremony for her Mock Trial team and I was determined to get there.  The previous night I had my photography group and the entire day I had prepared for the lesson I gave.  I really didn’t have time to talk to Martin and he said no problem because he had things to do to one of which was seeing his daughter.  So we didn’t talk much at all on Friday but we texted/emailed many times.  It was fun and I felt connected to him even though he was far away.  We were playful and loving and I don’t now.  Perfect.

Here I was doing my thing in California in love with this wonderful guy in England and even though we’ve been pummeled by circumstantial difficulties we were showing the world that our love and our friendship meant more to us than miles.

Before the awards I had just enough time to pop over to Nordstroms to look for a potential wedding dress.  It was a big thing to do.  The last time I had shopped for a wedding dress I was 21 years old.  Now 20 years later I looked in the special occasion section and wished I had less sag in my skin, less wrinkles on my face and genuinely wished I had met Martin 20 years earlier so I could be prettier for him.  I found nothing at Nordstroms so I practically ran to Macy’s on the other side of the mall where I was assaulted by loud, booming music and pink balloons.  While searching quickly through the racks for something sophisticated and classy yet not too formal I heard someone on the microphone say, “Everybody excited to see Paris Hiltoooooooon!!!!!”  I was like.  Oh…not me.  And I high-tailed it out of there.

While driving to the convention center I got stuck behind a train.  Martin had just made it back from a dinner with his other daughter and wanted to say hi on Skype but I was in a rush and driving and I had to put him off.  It was the last thing I wanted to do and I knew he’d understand.  But while I was looking for a parking spot he called and I picked up.  Holding the phone in my hand I told him with a little panic in my voice I was late and was trying to find a parking spot and didn’t know where to look.  I hate letting anyone down and I didn’t want to be late for my daughter.

Once I found a spot I called him back as I ran (literally) from my car into the convention center.  Unfortunately I couldn’t hear him at all but I could see his nice smiling face and my daughter was able to say hi to him while I took my seat and asked where the restrooms were because I had to pee so bad I thought I’d explode.  It was fun.  He was there with me again.  Even though he was so far away.  And I was perfectly content and happy.

That night I got home and while I waited for Martin to wake up so we could finally have a real conversation after all the busyness of our weekend I thought to check his email.  It is an account I set up for him for emails just between the two of us.  I don’t know what made me look.  He had asked me to help him get rid of spam comments a while back and from time to time I went in and deleted them all so he didn’t have to bother with it.  I was really just bored and thought I’d see how many there were in the folder.  When I got there I noticed that nestled in and amongst his emails to me on Friday when he had gone to see his oldest daughter was an email to her.  Right after he had emailed to tell me he was with her.  He emailed her to let her know he had just had a wonderful meal and would be going to a concert later that night.

Huh?

Now I have shared a little bit of the detail regarding troubles I’ve had with Martin in the past being honest.  Particularly regarding his age.  There have been other instances where he has not shared the entire truth with me.  Things that really were small things that he chose to lie about instead of just telling me the truth.  We have had discussions about it at length.  He has told me he has learned that being open and honest is better.  I weighed how good everything was to these things that seemed pretty inconsequential and I decided it was worth the risk of trusting him because I was so happy.

So I was confused as to why he would lie about where he was to me.  I was happy for him to be doing whatever he pleased while I worked.  Why cover up the fact he was at a concert?  Why not just tell me.  I’m still confused.  Because when I confronted him about it and he admitted to having been somewhere other than where he told me…I said…”I can’t marry someone I don’t trust.” and he hung up the Skype call.

I haven’t talked to him since.  That was Saturday night.

Since then I have gotten two emails.  One saying he was with his friend Sean after meeting with is daughter and he said he felt bad to be at the concert without me and sent me an audio file from the night he recorded he said to share with me.  (which doesn’t make any sense because he told me he was not even there so why would he record something to share with me when I didn’t even know he went in the first place.) And another one that said he was with his daughter and then needed to be alone and was alone at the concert.  He didn’t explain why he needed to be alone and I wondered what happened to going with Sean was that a lie too?  And if he did need to be alone what in the world was he emailing me 30 times for when he was at the concert?  Then he said he was dreadful and needed a couple days rest.  Really?

So he basically ran for the hills.  And I’m left to wonder and try to make sense of it all.

I’m shopping for a wedding dress one minute and later that day my relationship is falling apart because of a lie.

The two things I fear the most from a man is being lied to and then being left.

He’s now done both.  And I’m left feeling like a fool.

Excuse me but you are 6000 miles away?!  How much more alone can you get.  “Hey I’m going to go to concert to chill tonight, I haven’t done that in a while so you go ahead and work and I’ll catch up with you later.”  That’s all he had to say.  Unless he was lying for a bigger reason.  Unless he is hiding more than I can imagine.

Another woman?  How bizarre that would be.  Stranger things have happened I guess and his lack of getting in touch with me since the argument has confirmed to me that it is a bigger issue than I realize.  They say  what a woman can figure out is only 1/10th of what is reality.  There is probably so many more lies I have not discovered.

Maybe coming over to America has just been this huge egotistical fantasy for him that he never intended on following through with.  Maybe he has had someone else all along in England that I never even dreamed of.  Maybe he likes to have his cake and eat it too like most men and is lying simply because its convenient for him in the moment and he sees nothing morally wrong with it.

I don’t know.  I don’t know because he won’t even talk to me about it.

So I’m left feeling conflicted and confused.  Left and lied to.

And wondering what my future holds.

Will he man up and call me and talk to me and explain?  And even if he does will I believe him?

Please don’t comment.  Just let me be right now.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m honestly feeling very vulnerable and afraid right now and stupid.  Very stupid.

I started to believe that I would get a happy ending.  I can’t explain to you how devastated I feel at this moment.  I don’t know if we will survive this latest blow.

All I ask is to be treated with respect.  He knew as he typed me that email that he was lying.  Why did he do it?  Why would he risk how good we are?

I know I’m asking the wrong people but since he’s disappeared I’m left working alone in this big house.  My kids know what has happened but I feel like I can’t tell anyone else because of how stupid it makes me sound.  So I’m just trying to get work done, trying to appear on Facebook like nothing has happened.  And trying to maintain my dignity.  Once again after having been made a fool of by the person who was supposed to be my best friend.  You don’t lie to best friends.  You just don’t.

UGH.  I’m sick.

4 responses to “I’m Confused

  1. Sigh. I don’t even know what to say to this if I WERE To comment on it because I’d be just as confused and conflicted as you. I am, however, EXTREMELY proud of you that you shared this honestly and completely transparently. That takes bravery. XOXO.

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