OKAY – I’m going to show restraint today by venting on my blog because if I can’t do it here where can I?
I have so many things bouncing off my brain I can’t see straight today. Let me first admit that this entire tantrum is admittedly self-indulgent. I have food in my tummy, a beautiful home to live in that has just been cleaned by someone other than me. I am looking forward to a stormy weekend alone (actually looking forward to the cold and wind and rain and have some good books lined up for it) after a photography night with my ladies I mentor. LIFE IS GOOD. I can’t complain justifiably…but here I go because I feel like I will explode if I don’t.
WHY did I have to fall in love with someone from ENGLAND. The laws in his country to get married are stricter than the ones here and then even if we do defy them and get married wherever – here or there – I stop getting my alimony immediately which is not a big deal if he has a job. But that means we are married and continue to live countries apart while he looks for a job so getting married might not even make it easier for us to live together. On the outside chance he will be able to obtain a job easier from an US employer if they don’t have to sponsor a visa for him. But there is a huge ? hanging over that assumption.
Stupid economy. Stupid stupid stupid.
He spends his own money to come for a visit and spends two of our precious PRECIOUS days with THEM. The people who can’t seem to figure out how to give him a job. After hearing how he should have THEIR job (and he should because he is that good) and hearing all kinds of well-wishing and platitudes there is still at the end of the day no JOB. Time wasted? No. It might turn up something down the road and I get that but right now he is sleeping at his sister’s house 6000 miles away from me and it doesn’t really matter what I cook for dinner tonight because he won’t be having any of it.
We are still working through our Before You Remarry book and that is all well and good but…no that is good. I can’t complain about that.
If I really wanted to be a baby I could say I wish he was doing more. I wish he was on the phone constantly and then I remember the days he sat at the embassy hoping for good news. How he travelled to Chicago about 6 different times just for interviews and getting acquainted with people who it turns out wouldn’t be his boss after all because of company restructuring. I hate big corporations. I hate them but if it weren’t for them I have no idea what we would do so I need them but I hate them at the same time. And I know he’s doing the right thing. Just enough and I love him for it.
I know I’m not making sense right now. I can’t blame it on PMS cause my period just ended last week. I have no idea what my problem is.
All I know is that Martin almost said the F word for the first time since I’ve known him today on Skype because he’s so frustrated with the situation. He stopped himself though. He feels powerless and angry knowing that he would do a better job than half of the people he met while in the US who take their dogs for walks and bring them along during sales calls, have baby showers, and do some real estate on the side while he would be making the company profit. He’s a rare outside salesmen who actually does his job completely and with enthusiasm. I know others are out there but they are hard to find at this company for some reason.
He’s a good guy with money in the bank who will not be a drain on the economy he will actually MAKE our country money but he’s stuck. I’m stuck. We are stuck apart.
I hate it. I hate it.
My sister warned me that if we get married it will only make it that much harder to be apart and I dismissed her saying that we are doing it now and we already feel like we are married.
But I know she’s right. Now that we are engaged and I look down and see that ring on my finger. I KNOW that I just want to be with him that much more.
Two jobs. Four interviews. Two times set to move out yanked at the last-minute.
I’m pissed. And he hates it when I say that but I am and I know he is too. He’s mature and measured and much more patient than me.
We can get married here if we put in for a marriage license – proof of citizenship is not required. Once we are married there is not much they can do about it. We’ll have to prove we actually love each other but this blog alone is proof of that not to mention the countless trips he’s taken. I’m just afraid of getting married if he doesn’t have a job. I’m afraid of having to live apart once we are married.
Stupid. I want to throw that damn elephant into the river and drown it and then invite everyone I know to feast on it so that sucker can be eaten already.
I’m tired of being good and patient and ….BREATHE
TRUST…ugh….I don’t feel like it.
I don’t have any other choice.
Remember I said I hate feeling powerless. Yeah. I really do. Can you tell?
Did I tell you about the time my dog Lucy wandered into my closet one day and the door shut on her? We searched for her for several minutes when we got home. A faint sound coming from upstairs led me to my closet door and when I opened it there she was with bloody paws from scratching her way through the carpet, through the padding and onto the nails. She went berserk when she was trapped and that is how I feel sometimes. Just trapped where I don’t want to be. Away from Martin.
OK – rant is over. Sorry back to the game plan now. Thank you for listening.