Last new year I was in a tailspin. I had just met Martin and had no idea where life would take me. I hadn’t even filed for divorce yet. Had no idea how the cards would fall financially, with child custody issues, personally, none of it. I did have high hopes and I have to admit 2010 ended on a higher note than I had ever dreamed. But as my favorite lyricist Jon Foreman said in a song, “today is all you got now, and today is all you’ll ever have.” So I must not look back but forward. So here is my 2011 wish list:
1. I hope and pray for continued healing between me and my ex. We’ve come a long way (or should I say…I’ve come a long way). But I want to get to a place where I don’t want to cut off his head. Or hers. While I know I am better off without him I am still angry at his giving up and putting us all through what we went through. WHY? I just am. It’s not rational. Or maybe it is. I’m confused on that issue. My sisters tell me, “Why can’t you just let it go if you are happy and he’s happy and just move on?” But the hurt was so deep and I was so devastated that at times when I least expect it, it rears its ugly head. I get hit in the face with pure anger and sadness for my children. Somehow I want that to just disappear. So I pray the Lord to take it away like he did my depression. One day it was just gone.
2. I pray that Martin and I will be able to share our lives together, every day. That we will get married and I will have the partner I have always hoped for. Someone who will help me sort out the issues of life with encouragement and love. Someone to share the ups and the downs with and all the in betweens.
3. That I will keep running (should I say start running again?) And that I will join a yoga class. I love it so much I’m just chicken and the Wii can only get me so far! That I will maintain my weight but lose my pooch 🙂
4. That I will resolve my conflict that I have with my photography. When my marriage ended so did my thriving photography business. It just seemed to be too much to manage. I want to strike out in a different way – maybe art photography and sell my prints. I don’t want to be hired help anymore at events and sessions. I want to be an artist. Maybe on Etsy.com SO my goal is to start a shop and sell at least one thing.
5. That I stay involved in both my children’s lives. That we continue to talk about our deepest hopes and dreams and continue to pray and encourage each other in our faith. They are my world and they are getting so old. In a year my son will be a senior and I’m afraid that my world has been so crazy that I’m missing precious opportunities and moments with them.
6. For the first time in my life, I don’t want to “fix anything”. My entire life with my ex there was always this huge gaping hole of dissatisfaction. I thought I was just supremely critical and impossible to please. But I’m learning now that I was just profoundly unhappy. I would never consider that it was my marriage making me unhappy so I was always trying to make things better. I don’t do that anymore. And I can’t wait to see what life being happy is like. I’m sleeping at night without sleeping pills. I’m breathing easy. I’m smiling so much sometimes my cheeks hurt. When I’m disappointed I am with someone who helps me look for a solution instead of waiting for me to figure everything out for myself. It’s amazing. And I can’t wait for every day to begin and to see what God will do with it. Even the hard times this year have brought me to a place where instead of grumbling for not getting what I want…I’m marveling at what God does with them. Weird. So unlike me. But true. No more fixing. Just experiencing each day with gratitude. I almost make myself sick reading it but I can’t help it. So I hope it continues…
7. I hope that at the end of this year I am able to say that I have grown in my knowledge and understanding of Scripture. I am dedicating myself to study this year. Instead of sorting out my messed up life. I am purposefully going to attack the Word to learn it better. I bought a systemic theology book and some other tools to help me understand the context, history, and etymology of the Bible. I hope that my confidence grows in the truth and authority of the Bible and of my Christian faith.
8. I have not saved for retirement for three years. So I am hoping to get that house in order again. Plan for my kid’s college years and decide how to save for my old age. It must be done. And in that, I need to write a will. Not something I look forward to but I do need to do it.
9. I want to start cooking again. I used to LOVE to cook and try new recipes. This Christmas I asked for subscriptions to food magazines and I got them! So I am hoping to try one new recipe a month. Modest goal but I AM busy and my kids are never around so this is realistic.
10. And finally I wish specifically to get to know Martin’s kids. That we like each other and begin building a relationship. It’s hard because they are so far away and at University with their own lives. But I do want to know that side of him. I love him so much that I love them already and want the best for them. I pray that it just happens naturally as it did with Martin and my kids. I’m a little bit afraid of them. But I really do want to build a bridge this year.
WOW – that is quite a wish list. But it’s in black and white now! No going back. Happy New Year to all of you!