I’m settling into a “new normal” again. It’s the story of my life. And it should be. Change is stressful but its a sign of growth in one way or another. I’m growing in my ability to manage on my own. I’m growing in my relationship with my Lord and with my kids. I’m learning more about myself and what makes me tick, what sets me off, and how often I don’t follow my own advice.
My new normal includes this love story with a man across the pond. It was his birthday today. Yes folks he’s now 56.
I sent him a photobook of my first trip to England, a card and one of the 8×10’s of the two of us from our cruise to Mexico this summer.
I wish I could have been with him. It’s been a long time. Hopefully today he’ll buy a ticket to come visit this New Year. It has been the longest time we’ve ever been apart since we’ve met. I’m starting to get used to being alone for the first time in my life. But what makes it so cool, is that I know there is someone out there who loves me. I’m learning how to do the thing I could not comprehend when my ex left, but I don’t have to do it alone in my heart. I have Martin, he just happens to be really far away which is enabling me to get stronger on my own two feet. Funny how God works. He is so much wiser than I.
There is this sense deep in my core that we (Martin and I) are not “new” anymore. We’ve passed over a threshold. I thought we’d be starting this new chapter together but I was wrong. But it’s okay. I’ve come to terms with it. Partly because I do believe without doubt or reservation that we both want the same thing. God willing.
He mentioned in one of our conversations this week that there are some interesting job postings in America. I didn’t react or respond. In some ways I don’t even want to know. I just want to be happy with him as he is. I want to be happy with where God has us right now. If he is working toward getting information about other jobs I’m glad. I want him to. I know if I get too involved I’ll go nuts and probably drive him nuts too. It’s not that I’m uninterested because I am. It’s just that I know I could become obsessive about wanting to “make” it happen. And if I’ve learned anything from this last episode it’s that when I start trying to make something happen…I do no one any good. At least not in the big picture.
So new normal is letting go a little to the reigns again — but not the dream.
Martin loves the musical South Pacific so I put it in my Netflix queue and my daughter and I watched it recently. There was this one song that was kind of silly and on the surface the scene was not that compelling for me. The title is “Happy Talk”. But as I watched it and listened this lyric stayed with me more than anything from the entire film because it is so true.
“You gotta have a dream, if you don’t have a dream, How you gonna have a dream come true?”
I still want my dream to come true. I just know that what I can do to help it come true is be there to support him. I can love him and listen to him and encourage him. I can show him that I’m okay here but that I miss him terribly. I can make him laugh and tell him how much I love him. I can keep myself healthy and be a good mom to my children. I can excel at my job and make him proud because he is doing the same thing and I’m proud of him.
Not only is our romance and love growing the longer we are apart but so is our friendship. I want him to shine, he wants me to shine. It’s the kind of love I’ve always dreamed of having. So in many ways my dreams have already come true.