This Is Not Convenient

Nothing about my relationship with Martin has been convenient for either one of us.  It’s meant lonely nights, long trips, heart breaking goodbyes and lots of money spent.  We are still waiting.  And it would be so much easier for either one of us to just throw up our hands and say…enough.  He was supposed to move three months ago.  Three supposed jobs later he is still in the same place.  This despite much effort on his part.

When I was 19 I got back together with my ex after a two month separation that seemed like an eternity to me at the time.  During it, my ex partied up and started smoking.  Something I find out 20 odd years later he still does.  I lost weight, I was distraught at our separation.  I coped by going to church.  Putting all my energy into trying to figure out how to be a better person.  Sounds so familiar.

When I was engaged to marry him a couple of years later I had massive second thoughts.  It was a safe decision.  We were together at a time in our lives when people did things like get married.  We were together.  It was what we were supposed to do.  He was already part of my life.  It just kind of happened.  And I thought that meant it was supposed to happen.

It is so different with Martin.  Nothing about this relationship is convenient.  NOTHING.  It’s been 44 days since I’ve seen him in person.  It’s been three months since he was originally supposed to move here.  We are not talking much on Skype.  Well…a couple hours a day doesn’t feel like much after what we did before.

He’s at his sister’s house, car packed (I think) sick and cold sitting on a garage floor cause that is the only place he can get a good signal.  When we do talk we try to keep ourselves up and happy but at some point we get to the fact that we miss each other and get sad and wonder what will happen.  He told me again today how we will look back on all this and laugh some day.  I smiled and said…”ok”.

I try to not be frustrated at the call drops, the freezing screen and the fact that I know his head is dropping cause he’s tired.  Problem is I haven’t gotten enough of him yet. Especially when he talks me through how to react to my son’s temper tantrums with amazing wisdom and kindness.

It’s super frustrating.  Beyond anything I’ve ever been through.  Ever.  I’m praying hard.  Really hard.  And I’m not holding back anymore.

I want him here.  I need him here.  He will be good for my kids and me once he is here.  That is very clear to me in recent days.  I’ve been very careful not to put pressure on him.  I’ve been weighing all of the pros and cons and telling myself to hold onto him loosely.  He is a gift.  He’s not mine.  And I still think that but I’ve watched the election results this evening and I am reminded that sometimes you have to campaign for what is best for you.  And I do that through prayer.  And I am praying he gets this job and moves here soon. (He’s supposed to find out something tomorrow.)  I’m seriously praying hard for it now.  I know that he is not only good for me but exactly what I’ve wanted my whole life.  Not convenient at all…but very worth it.


4 responses to “This Is Not Convenient

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