It’s Not Funny

This has been a test.  This last month in particular.  Ever since I found out about Martin’s true age.  It seems that since then there has been one test after another.  When his first job was taken away.  I really did have “nerves of steel”. I was brave.  I was sure of where I wanted to be, sure of God’s hand in it all, and I was unshaken.  My mind was focused under the pressure and I was good.  “Bring it on” kind of good.

But I have to say that this month I’ve felt like yelling at the top of my lungs.  Cause when a big thing is looming it seems like the pressure is on doesn’t it?  Like everything feels a little bit harder to manage.  It can be done but it’s just a little harder.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve!”  (Anger)
That’s when I’m really feeling sorry for myself.  Comment directed to many if not all the men in my life at one point or another about one thing or another  including my son who I was raving about only a few nights ago and now has no phone, Internet, or social privileges until he get his Spanish grade out of the tank and completes the array of missing assignments he’s already accumulated during the second quarter.  This after telling me for weeks to my face, “Yes mom I did all my homework.”  Ugh.  If it is one thing I know – I hate being lied to.

You get on my nerves! (Frustration)
To be fair that is traffic mostly, but the dog barking every single night about 10 minutes before the kids come home forcing me to feed it instead of the kids getting the blessing of doing their one daily chore.  And the barking is incessant.  Slow lines at the grocery store.  Stupid things that mean nothing but aggravate all the same.  Deep breath time.

I can’t get up enough nerve! (Fear)
To completely believe that this is all going to work out with Martin.  I have to admit here that this is and always has been very soon for me.  I’m fragile and a bit of shaking does something completely different to a block of cement than it does to a piece of glass.  I was seriously shattered and am still on the mend.  I am fragile.  I admit that.  I have been fighting fear the entire time.  Maybe acting with courage which is in essence “controlled fear” going in with  eyes wide open and for the most part really feeling like that plant who is finally being watered regularly.  I know the good outweighs the bad.  I know I’m looking at the cracks and waiting for the crash of another break.  I know it’s because of being let down, betrayed, and abandoned by my husband.  But yeah, I have to be honest and acknowledge it.  There is part of me that is really afraid.

I’m a bundle of nerves (Anxious)
I’m excited but excitement can turn to anxiousness really quick when things get delayed and changed.  You know you’ve got it tough when the people who are asking how things are going can’t keep up with all the drama.  Sometimes having hope brings on this nervousness.  I  know that may seem like an odd thing to say but think about it.  Usually when we have hope we mean we are “hoping for something specific to happen.”  I’ve tried very hard and been somewhat successful in all of this to base my hope on something I know not something I don’t know.  I don’t know how all this is going to work out.  This is very true.  I am acknowledging that it’s a crap shoot at best.  The cards were certainly stacked against us at the very beginning and had there been a bookie at our meeting.  The odds would have not have been in our favor.  So I try to put my hope in the fact that God is in control.  He is a known God who I can trust.  Whatever happens, I will be Ok.  I know this.  I remind myself often.  Cause obviously I am also hoping in things working out.  I guess it will be the balance needed if it doesn’t.  It will help me accept it.  It’s been 5 extra days.  It seems like an eternity counting the fact that it was supposed to be August 12 the first time around.

A battle of nerves (Determination)
Seeing Martin’s resolve is amazing.  It takes guts to do what he ‘s doing.  He sent me an email this morning that said, “Okay BABY now I am inspired and fired up….you may see just how competitive I am…I had a talk with my American boss today and they are talking about a bigger job role for me.  Another interview even if the visa comes through.  If it doesn’t its another way I can get there.  So I want you to be up and pleased cos I am very, very fired up !!!!!  Don’t anyone try to take the wind out of my sails….”  I guess it pays to work for a ginormous company where new openings happen everyday.  To me it is exhausting thinking of submitting to another interview.  To him it is a win, win.  He still has a job but they might want to pay him more if he gets the next one.

It does appear that come what may, he eventually will make it here.  We are hoping for tomorrow. But I doubt very much he will ever give up.

It hit a nerve (Pain)
All of this resolve said after his SECOND root canal in a week on the same tooth.  He’s in major pain.  He is suffering trying to sleep as I type.  I’m trying not to be biased against British dentists but…this particular dentist is not on my happy list.

It’s incredible.  I wouldn’t believe it if I weren’t living it.  I’m going to sleep again tonight not knowing if he will be on a plane tomorrow or a month from now.  I deal with it by not thinking too much about it.  I deal with it by paying attention to the two teenagers who need me and a job that requires me to not only do my work but care.  I deal with it because I have to and I know that God will see us through.  I know this because He’s done it before.

Nerves.  They are the whole reason we feel or think anything at all.  But to anyone who has hit their elbow in that special spot, no matter what we call it, it hurts like hell.  It isn’t funny at all.

7 responses to “It’s Not Funny

  1. What a wacky world we live in, but aren’t we so blessed to know that God is in control. I know, I’ve been under a bit of pressure lately too with my girl and her struggle over her dad leaving and calling her once in the last two months and my “perfect” son in Phoenix inviting her to come live with him and telling me that this would be the best for her. Nah, I know that we both just need to weather the storms, trust God and know that we are on our ways to the biggest blessings God could ever bestow on us. I believe it and really think you do too. God bless my sister.

  2. You said it before, you can only do your best. You sound like a down to earth great mom, and your faith is amazing. I love this entry. Your thoughts and feelings express themselves so lovely in words that I will certainly be keeping track and rooting for you and Martin and a life of joy together.

    Perhaps in a separate email, if you ever find the time, because I, as a Christian mother, find your strength that stems from your faith something to be admired and mirrored…perhaps you can share how you dealt with any moments of doubt of God, if at all. These times are darkest for me, and the trials of my life always appear worst when my faith is weak. Perhaps I should continue writing as it was certainly therapeutic for me in the past. I’m listening to Gary Habermas and some work on CS. Lewis.

    God bless you and your family.

  3. No, it’s not funny at all. But that’s ok. You haven’t lost your sense of humor. When I have it all up in the air, I like the following quote: “…you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think…” (Christoper Robin to Pooh). You are all those things and don’t you forget it. 🙂

  4. Wow. I feel so bad that I haven’t had a chance to read all of your recent posts about Martin and his niece etc. Catching up now, my thoughts are with you and I know you will get through this. XO!

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