Sometimes I think about all that has happened in the last 11 months and all the choices Martin’s made and how he’s stuck to them. Knowing his determined spirit I get afraid sometimes that he is caught up in the chase and once everything is settled he will look at me and think…what have I done.
It’s like being at an auction. You make your pass through what is being offered for the day and a couple of things catch your eye and interest you. You decide, “Yes, this is what I want.” And then the bidding starts. Every time you bid that blasted woman with the big diamond ring throws her hand up in the air to out bid you. At one point you forget the numbers flying through the air have dollar signs attached to them and all you want to do is win. And win you do. I had a good friend who bought something on Ebay like that. He got caught up in the bidding war and found himself with an antique piano that he didn’t know how to play. He vowed to take lessons but a couple of weeks ago after 5 years, he sold it to a nice Chinese woman.
Maybe it’s just that for me the longer I stand on the end of a diving board the more afraid I get about jumping. Too much time to think about it. Just do it. I wish. I know once I do I’ll be fine. It’s my brain again working overtime.
I told him today that I’ve kind of turned my brain off and am in the pretending mode that it’s just another week and we are talking like normal, like we always do. No big decision looming on the horizon that we are powerless to influence. No big move. It’s just another day. It’s kind of working.
I’ve been praying and I’ve been reading my Bible. And I take comfort to know as it says in Proverbs 16:9
”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
Whatever happens will BE no matter what we’ve planned. And it will be worth it because life is not supposed to be easy or safe. It’s supposed to be lived. In the words of my favorite lyricist Jon Foreman:
You’re breathing in the highs and lows
We call it living
In this needle and haystack life
I found miracles there in your eyes
It’s no accident we’re here tonight
We are once in a lifetime
I hear those words and I think back to Dublin. To seeing him on his first trip out and getting into an argument about the map right away and laughing. I think about him kissing me on Huntington Beach. I think about how excited he is every time he sees me. What his face looked like when he told me he got the job (the first time) in that little Greek restaurant in Windsor right after I landed in England. I know it was not an accident we were there then and I know it’s no accident we are here now.
We just have to live it. Be brave. And live.