My son loves to watch “fail” videos on Youtube.  He thinks they are hysterical because they usually involved someone trying to do something, anything, and failing miserably in their effort.  I think it’s a little twisted to get pleasure from that sort of thing but he is 16.  Consequently he and my daughter will often use the word in their everyday language now when they think something doesn’t quite measure up.    And so it has snuck into my vocabulary as well.

Just as consciousness was asserting itself yesterday morning I realized I was coming out of a tornado dream.  Yes I had one.  My first one since the feet went running away and I thought I was rid of them altogether.  I’ve been having tornado dreams for 15 years.  Same pattern, different setting.  This one included my old boss and his wife.  I was breathing heavy and the adrenaline was flowing when I opened my eyes and I reached for my computer that wouldn’t turn on.  I did everything I could to trick it into working properly but there was nothing doing.  It was toast.  I emailed Martin from my phone who had told me to let him know when I was awake so we could say good morning.  Just after I emailed him, he was emailing me that he was going out for run and would be back later.

Bad dream, no computer, Martin leaving and not checking his email.  Oh and it was Monday.  Not a great start.

He did come on after a few minutes to talk briefly and said he’d be back in time to talk before I had to leave for my computer appointment.  Only he didn’t hear me when I said I had to leave at noon.  He came back on-line at 11:30 which was almost three hours later and I had to leave in 30 min. I had no computer to work on so I had been sitting around thinking he would be back any minute.  I took a shower and made myself look half-way decent cause he’s been seeing me in a less than perfect state lately.  He did say I looked pretty. But it was only another quick conversation and I had to leave.

While I was out on my errand I got an email saying he was turning in early and would be up early.  I assumed to talk to me finally.  I let him know I was going to be home early but he was already gone.  Turned off his phone apparently.

So I waited until the evening, up early for him usually means 6AM or my 10PM.  I kept myself awake cause I was tired.  I washed my face and put a little bit of fresh make up on just to hide my stupid zits I’m getting these days that I haven’t gotten since I was in my twenties and read my Scriptures.  It was a good time of Bible study for me.  But the minutes ticked on.  I finally got an email and was so happy.  Opened and it said, “Sorry I woke up late I have to leave now for London or I will be late.  Speak later tho lu xxx.”  OK.

Now I was disappointed.  And I had been doing so good.  I ran last night for 3 miles and about half way in my knee got really tight and I kind of had to limp the last mile home.  It was SO good up until that point.  I was ahead of my normal pace, breathing was good and then bam…my knee starts hurting.

Everything can seem like its great but boom, then it’s not.  And I was just left a little confused.  Before I “took my step back” he would have called me on his phone and just said sorry in person.  Not just an email.  And if it was an email I would have gotten a response.  But nothing.  No response.  I waited an hour.  I called him on his phone just to say good night but the phone went straight to voicemail.  Both of them.

It could be nothing or he could be avoiding me but this is so not like us.  I don’t know if this is me now reading things in or him trying to distance himself from me for some reason.  Maybe both.

Before we were both so enthusiastic it didn’t matter.  We just were there for each other.  Now, even though I’m the one that said we should take a step back…of course…he’s the one mastering it and I’m still sitting in my house alone all day, wondering what he’s thinking and doing.

I know he has a life and a job – he’s just never had trouble including me before.  Finding the time, even if it’s just a little time to make me smile.  Instead I feel cut off.

I got an email this morning saying that he was just stressed about making his flight.  That’s fine.  I’m trying to believe that.  He’s been stressed before though and found time to email me how much he misses me and wishes he could be talking to me instead.  Last night I got nothing except…the sorry I can’t talk email.

So this feels like a big FAIL to me.

My prayer last night was just to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and not what Martin is or is not doing.  Trust God to have Martin where he needs to be and instead of the hurt coming through when I talk to him.  Just show him how much I am happy to see him when I do.

Unfortunately it feels like rejection.  It’s that really horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that is all too familiar.  It’s fear getting the best of me.  And I thought I was SO PAST THAT.  But apparently I’m not.  The circumstances surrounding my last trip to England has brought them to the surface in a way that has surprised me.  I want them to go away.  So I will pray.

FAIL – it’s when someone tries to do something but ends up making a gigantic fool out himself.  Maybe Martin and I are both failing.  Maybe this is too hard.  Maybe we will both just end up looking like a couple of idiots that people will laugh at.  Look at what they tried to do.  FAIL.

I can hear my sisters say it.  “I told you this was crazy and I don’t know what made you think it could work.”  My friend saying, “See Livvy you just fall in love too easy and too completely. You have to play a game every one does because it keeps you from getting hurt.  Look at you….you didn’t need this.”  I can hear them all now – laughing at me for thinking it was possible to find happiness again. And no they really aren’t that mean.  I just imagine the worst I guess when I’m thinking about how it might feel to fail.

And it’s not that I have lost my faith in Martin all together.  It’s just that this is scary.  He’s 10 days from moving out here again.  And I’m afraid he’s not going to.  I’m afraid something will happen and I’m not going to get that dream of being able to see this through.  So I think its like walking in a fog and knowing there is a ledge up ahead.  I’m reaching out as far as I can trying to hold onto him to make sure he doesn’t disappear.

I know its fear.  And I’m trying to pray it away.


4 responses to “FAIL

  1. Livvy – deep breath. Step away from the cell phone or whatever demon reminds you of anything “fail”. There is no “fail” here. Regardless of what happens. And it will be good. Our minds take us bad places when we are waiting to hear what we want to hear from someone we love. We imagine all sorts of bad things, when 90% of the time it was nothing. I wonder what would happen if you turned your phone off (after the kids were home)? Not saying to fall into games, but maybe you aren’t by the phone and he can wonder what’s up. They always like a chase. Just sayin’. Hang in, sweetie.

    • My insecurities are taking me completely by surprise. Part of it is I know what he’s doing…he’s leaving everything he’s ever known and everyone he’s ever loved to move here to be with me. That alone freaks me out a little. I think my tornado dream in part reflected the storm that is just a reality right now. Lots of stuff changing and getting ‘sorted out’. In the midst of that was the finding out about his age and separate from that a discussion we had about trying to have more balance. All of it put together…leaves me a little wiggy. He’s being patient though and promised to keep his phone on from now on and answer when I call. He said he was sorry I felt shut out. To prove it – or maybe just cause he didn’t want to leave me, instead of saying good night he’s sleeping right now on Skype. I can hear him breathing and it is strangely making me feel a whole lot calmer – closer. 10 days and I think once I see him in the flesh I will be 100% better. Until then hopefully I can keep myself in check.

  2. Your feelings sound horrible, and I think we’d all be the same in your position. It sounds a bit familiar to me from a certain stage with AB as well. The thing that struck me in what you’d written was kind of what izziedarling said too – the bit where you say you’re reaching out as far as you can to hold onto him. Maybe you shouldn’t have to/don’t need to. Let him do that a bit?

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