Last night I listened to my daughter rock out on her bass guitar with about 50 other musicians including some professional. She played a concert in the park with one of the best band teachers I’ve ever seen. They played a KC and the Sunshine Band medley, Earth Wind and Fire medley, Blues Brothers, In the Mood, Kansas City, Brick House…just to name a few. It was awesome and I sat there, took some pics and thoroughly enjoyed the entire concert. She was nervous and had a hard time smiling but she did great. Better than great cause she was the only kid in the rhythm section. The drummer, guitarist and piano were all the pros. She held her own and I was really proud of her. She’s 14.
My ex was there with his flip video recording the evening so he didn’t talk much which is just as well. We exchanged backpacks out of the cars at the end of the night and he walked away and didn’t even say good-bye which is also just as well.
I also talked to a good friend last night. A person who was there for me when no one else had time. He listened to me say over and over again how much I loved my husband and how this divorce was not what I wanted. He saw my pain and he could do almost nothing to help it. I’ve known him since I was 15 when we went to a dance together and he helped me pass geometry. I still don’t know what a proof is.
He is the only person I talk to who is trying to get me to ease up on Martin just a little. Everyone else is bringing up things that I should “think about”. He is saying…go with your gut, take it slow, but based on all the evidence he doesn’t seem like the type that would…
I hate that I’m questioning everything. AND I AM. It’s this effect of having been lied to and made a fool once that keeps me from wanting it to happen again. And I so want to believe that there are men of character left out there. I’ve wanted to believe it my whole life. I just have been disappointed a lot.
In everything that happened tonight though I’ve seen context. I am me and I always will be. I am a mom of two great kids. I was a wife. I am a friend. I am in love with Martin. I am all these things and not one of them defines me but they all do.
In my heart I am the same little girl who cried herself to sleep wishing her parents would just quit yelling. The same girl who wanted an A so bad she would read her textbooks 3 times and memorize whatever I highlighted for the test. The same girl who is afraid she’s not enough but who is finding out that I have to be. Whatever I am I am and that is all I can be.
If I’m not enough for Martin then so be it. If I’m not enough for any other man or for my mom or anyone else….I have to be enough for me.