Sometimes life seems cruel in that no matter how traumatic something is in your life; the death of a loved one, the death of a relationship, the loss of a job, the betrayal of a friend, life just keeps going on. You can stand thinking that your world is coming to an end and yet outside you hear kids squealing, the trash trucks picking up junk from everyone’s homes. Trash that was used up and thrown away. The sun sets and rises despite your problems.
I used to get so angry at that fact that life just kept going. I wanted the world to stop for me. Stop for my pain. Give me a second to breathe so I could regain strength and get my barrings. I wanted off the roller coaster, the merry-go-round, whatever. But now for some odd reason I take comfort in it.
Maybe it is because I’ve been through this before. It feels very familiar to me. Pain. Sadness. Fear. And I know that in time it will pass.
If the world didn’t keep going. If everything stopped the way we wanted it to because of our pain, we would be stuck wouldn’t we? We would be stuck in that moment forever.
It’s the morning sunrise that gives us the hope. Its seeing the elderly with all their wrinkles, bent backs, and silver hair with the smiles on their faces that prove that love is worth it. The shadows prove the sunshine (to quote one of my favorite artists Jon Foreman). God does not forsake us in our pain. He shows us that life goes on.
Last night I read in my daily reading this from Ecclesiastes 12:13
The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment with every secret thing whether good or evil.
It is not my job to “find out” everything Martin has been hiding. God has already worked to reveal it. Had we not met with his daughters I would not have known. That day however naïve it seems for me to say, I believe God sent a balloon our way. A silver, happy birthday balloon that quietly but symbolically floated directly to Martin and slowly descended on the top of his head. That balloon said, “60”. He tried to bat it away. We all laughed and said it was after him. That is when his daughter made a joke about he being only 55. Martin passed it off as funny, haha, not funny, holy crap she didn’t just say that. The balloon kept floating back to him though. I was uncomfortable after that because I knew something had happened. Maybe I was unwilling to admit it to myself. But in that moment I knew the truth. Deep down.
God will reveal what we need to know when we need to know it. It is painful. It hurts. But I do also believe that God does this to help us not hurt us. So I thank Him for this time I’m going through right now. I pray that it will not cause me to lose faith in these steps I’ve been taking with Martin but will either redirect them or set them on the right path.
I was thinking today about how it is when kids are learning how to walk. We are so excited for them. We smile ear to ear and clap and get the video camera out. We want to remember the exhilaration. But as parents, like God, sometimes in taking those first steps we head off on the wrong direction. We head toward danger and we have to intervene. We grab their hands and spin them around and point them in the right, safe, good direction. At first the baby is confused and disoriented. But we must trust the Father. If he picks us up and spins us around it is because it is the best thing for us.
So here is to finding out what is next. I trust him. I trust him. I trust him. With my life. With my decisions. With my heart. I’ve been picked up and turned around and I’ve felt confused and disoriented but I’m going to keep walking and see what happens.
This song says it all. We are just foolish people – crooked souls trying stay up straight. Listen to it…it’s a poetic and great song.