The Thing is…

I haven’t talked too much about this before but here goes.  I work from home.  I wake up alone.  I get a cup of coffee.  I work, chat with friends online, work some more.  Take a shower around noon.  Eat something.  Work some more.  My kids don’t get home until evening.  Sometimes 6, other times 7 or 9.  Tonight my daughter doesn’t get home until 9:30.  My son 6.  I’m alone all day long.  Alone.  And I hate it.  When I have too much to think about that is all I do.  I drive myself crazy.

I do design work for a living and because of it being project oriented I often times work in bursts.  There are days when I can get by with doing very little.  I’m not busy enough to distract myself.

I’m upset today.  Post-birthday let down?  I tried to keep myself “up” yesterday.  It was hard but I did it.  Today I’m just alone.  I had 80 people wish me happy birthday yesterday on my facebook wall including my sisters and my mom.  I had two calls.  Two friends.  No presents.  Nothing from Martin.

Things are not going well for me internally with regard to Martin.  He is doing what he needs to do.  We rushed into a relationship which put too much pressure on him to be what I wanted instead of who he really is.  He wanted it too bad.  In order to put things right I need to let him go.  I’m having trouble doing that.  At the same time, because he made the commitments to me first and rushed us he is responsible for his own undoing.  And so I’m mad at him for that.  He could have gone slow.  Like I wanted.  But he was too excited and happy and he was too afraid all of it would disappear.  He grabbed on and then hung on and then did everything he could to keep me close…even lie.

He knows it was wrong.  I don’t know what to do about it in my heart.  My mind is pretty clear.  My heart is a mess.  My kids are ready to forgive and forget…at least eventually they think everything will be okay.  I’m not convinced.

My glasses I like broke yesterday and I’m wearing my new pair and the type looks almost too sharp.  Its giving me a headache and they are also too loose on my head.  (random complaint inserted just because.)

I will get through this.  I know I will.  I’m going to do the right thing cause that is what I do.  I will look back on these posts and wish I could give myself a hug.  A hug sounds good about now.

I can’t tell my family about this.  My friends are giving me space to think and decide.  Martin is scarce these days because I’ve asked him to be.  And I’m sort of miserable today.

3 responses to “The Thing is…

  1. Oh, why did Martin not send you something good for your birthday? Something small but meaningful?

    Respect that you EVER manage to work from home and make it through the day in a coherent and optimistic frame of mind. My colleagues and I often half joke, half admit that it’s only the bells ringing throughout the day and the captive audiences appearing in the room expecting to learn something that keep us from descending into depression or alcoholism or whatever it is that our tendency would be.

    Perhaps you need to take a trip out to the optician and get your glasses tightened, your head showered (do you have that expression?!) and a bit of human interaction to distract you from your thoughts.

    I think hearts heal themselves, but not right away.

    • he did send something it just didn’t come yet. And yes working from home (I was a teacher myself for 8 years) is a huge challenge at times. Way too isolating. It’s fine when everything is fine but days like today. Are very hard. Depression would be easy to slip back into if all was lost with Martin. He called me a few minutes ago and we talked. We are trying to give each other space to process this. Time will be our friend I think. It just seems to go too slow when I’m alone.

  2. Remember the turn your eyes upon Jesus thing, it takes effort, but does seem to work if I work at it. Praying for you.

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