Brain on Overload

It’s a good thing I was busy yesterday.  Oh forget it, who am I trying to kid?  I’ve been thinking about him constantly.  From the very beginning of this relationship I purposefully did not put on my thinking cap.  This is what I do and  I will overheat my brain.  I can conjure up every single scenario possible, play it out, weigh the result, and set it into a category.  Then I move onto the next one.  I have been proud of myself for not doing this with Martin.

He often asked me, “Have you gotten over that I’m English yet?”  And I can honestly say, “No!”  It’s a big deal but it’s not a deal breaker and it sure has made dating him interesting.  Up until this point in my life I have only been close to people who I went to high school with.  Ok, maybe that means I’ve lived a sheltered life but so be it.  I grew up in the same house until I got married.  My life was stable and small and I liked it that way.

I got to Ireland and I meet this man who lit up my life and I let him in.  Begrudgingly at first.  I didn’t want to get hurt.  Remember?  But he was like a male carbon copy of me.  So I was determined not to over think it and just enjoy it.  I stood in the line and pondered my next move.  Wondered if the ride would be exhilarating and fun or if I would get off of it terrified, vowing to never return again.  It was a risk.  I stood in line for the ride for a little while but I knew I wanted it.  I knew I was willing to risk it and I did.

Now I’ve found out that the ride was older than I was told.  The risks to me are greater.  There are things to consider.  And it’s not just that he lied, although that is huge.  It is the truth of his age that has come to light.  Does it make me not want to love him anymore because he’s “old”?  No.  I love him, that is a given.  I already love him.  Under a false set of facts -yes.  But I can’t change the fact that I love him.

So what am I considering?  Well, it’s a whole host of things.

My dad died at the age of 55.  It was traumatic for me.  Almost as much as my divorce.  That is Martin’s age now.  He’s 55.  Holy crap.  What in the world am I doing in love with someone who has the potential to die on me.  And before you get your panties in a wad – sorry that sounded crude but my family said it all the time growing up and it just seems very natural for me to say it – I realize that he could live til he’s 90 or 100.  I realize he’s in great shape.  Yes, he can outrun me.  He is very, very fit not only for his age but for mine.  But that doesn’t change the fact that he is 55.  And people who are in their 50’s have heart attacks, get cancer, have strokes, and it happens to the best of them.  He might die.  He might get sick.  (Again I know the might thing is a big leap but this is about my fears so just let me rant).

He could have retired in the UK in 2-3 years.  Working in America will mean probably many more years of that for him to work because he had to give up his seniority to transfer.  Is he crazy?  My kids will be in school for 3 more years.  We could have planned it out for him to retire and in 3 years he could have had a future he could only dream about now.  Not sinking his life and blood into Corporate America but into something with purpose and meaning.  He’s always wanted that.  It was short-sighted.  He was thinking on one track and didn’t let me in to show him other possibilities because all he could think about was the fear of getting the boot.  Idiot.  I say that affectionately…but it’s the only word that fits.  He was considering retirement when he met me.  His lie did change everything.  Because if I would have known that when I met him.  I would not have encouraged our relationship.  He had bought a flat on the river, he was going to buy a boat and get a chocolate lab and be alone and happy.  And then I came along and he pulled the deposit on his place and spent his money coming out to see me instead.  He wooed me, it worked.  And now his life has been completely turned upside down.  If I was his friend I would have been yelling at him and telling him he was crazy too!  What was he thinking?  I’m seriously not worth it.  This is his life.  Everything he knows.  Just tossed away for me.

Here’s a positive one.  I KNEW there was a reason I felt so loved when he was correcting me.  Seriously part of me loves him as a father figure I think.  He’s so gentle and kind and loving to me when I’m flipping out.  He always seemed wise to me in an odd way and it is his age.  I know it.  He’s so much older than me and has that perspective of life I don’t have.  It shows.  I like it.  It makes me feel safe.  It makes me feel secure.  It makes me feel loved.  It makes me want to listen to what he says and take it in.

I KNEW there was a reason he SUCKED so bad at technology.  Seriously he is willing to learn and goes for it.  But the guy is challenged and I had to take the remote away from him a number of times while watching his family videos cause he hit a button he shouldn’t have.  I would shake my head and roll my eyes and warn him that he was not allowed to touch anything.  Email, cameras, any wire of any kind is not safe with him.  Geez, it’s cause he was like 40 before he ever had email.  I credit him with tenacity.  He’s not afraid.  He jumps right in.  But it’s clear he’s a bit confused.

He was married for 32 years.  When I told my daughter about my new revelation, I put it to her gently.  She was sad, and was afraid this meant we would not be seeing anymore of Martin.  She likes him a lot if not loves him.  She sat with me and listened as I told her that sometimes people don’t share the truth because they are afraid of what will happen if they do.  And tears welled up in her eyes.  She was afraid of what I was going to say.  When it came up how long he’d been married she said, “That’s really weird mom, but at least he wasn’t married longer than you were alive.  That would be weirder.”  Yes, yes it would.

But it’s a big deal to me.  He was married for 32 years!!!!  That is a long and successful marriage on the surface.  And selfishly I know I couldn’t top that with him.  Maybe we’d get 30 years and maybe they’d be “better”years  but…I want to be someone’s everything.  Not the younger woman who came along after some guy had his “real life”, raised his family, was on the verge of retirement and then thought…or…I could fall in love again and be with this seemingly beautiful, younger, American woman and have the adventure of my life.  Ugh.  It just puts a whole new spin on what has happened for me.  He was at the end of it all not in the middle.  8 years does make a difference.  I’m an afterthought on his life.  In his biography I would barely get a mention.

Ok – I know this is a long post.  There is more.  I could go on for hours.  What sucks is that I love him.  And because of what he did I can’t see it like I used to – in fact everything has changed in my perspective except one thing.  I know that every moment we shared together was real.  All the hours of talking.  I know the intimacy was real.  It just feels like I was being taken for a fool.  So here is my last one.

I’m not blind.  I KNEW in my heart he was older than 47.  In some pictures I took of him he looked 60!  I knew that it wasn’t just that people age faster in England.  It always bothered me.  Someone that fit shouldn’t look 55 when he’s 47.  I knew it.  I asked him about it often.  I gave him a chance to tell me the truth.  It was only when I could prove it that he admitted it.  And I guess that makes all these thoughts merely an exercise in analyzation.  Because when it comes right down to it.  I can’t trust him.  He thinks maybe that when he’s standing in front of me that I will melt.  But I won’t.  I melted before because I felt safe.

What if he lies to me again?  What if there is something more that he’s covering up?  What if he loses his job and doesn’t tell me, gets cancer and doesn’t tell me?  What if he says he’s learned his lesson but is only saying that to get me back?

Damn.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.  Why did he have to ruin this?  And why is it feeling even more like those stupid Romantic Comedy movies…where the guy does something REALLY stupid to mess things up.  This is the climax of the story isn’t it??  The guy screws up and the girl has to make a choice.  Is he worth the risk?  He’s moving to America in 20 days.  Will the guy get the girl?  Now that everything is out in the open can they live happily ever after?  Or will it be one of those movies where everyone walks out pissed because it didn’t end the way anyone wanted it to.

Remember Confessions of a Shopaholic? She lied and still got the guy.  The Wedding Planner Big lie they end up together.  Maid in Manhattan Big lie again.  Failure to Launch Big huge lie.  Tootsie? Now there’s a lie.

And then there are all the Murphy’s Romance type movies where age doesn’t matter.  As Good As it GetsSabrina.  Only there were no lies in those.

Ugh.  Okay.  I’m done thinking for today.  My brain hurts.  This is what Livvy does when she is confused.  She thinks.  Too much.

One response to “Brain on Overload

  1. Sister, I know what you mean about thinking. I often use a visual to get my mind off a subject that I know I should be handing over to God. Remember the song “Turn your eyes upon Jesus – look full in His wonderful face”? Well, sometimes I picture Him reaching down and touching me on the chin and lifting my face to look him in the eyes. I find this helps me to remember to give everything to him. Good luck my sister and I am sorry, you did nothing wrong here. Remember that.

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