Taking a Step Back

I hate it when I grab a glass off the table thinking it is Coke with its sweet bubbly goodness and take a big swig of Ice Tea instead.  The flatness alone is a shock.  I don’t happen to like tea very much but its not even the taste that makes it so bad.  Its thinking it was one thing and getting something else.  I love Martin.  I always will.  But I’m going to take a step back from him at this point.  I will be his friend.  But that is all I can be.  The lie was too big for me to go on like nothing has happened.  I see him differently in almost every way.

He’s moving here in 21 days.  He’s resigned officially from his position in the UK for the job in America.  And I told him that I would not abandon him as a friend.  But I could not even consider marrying him anymore. He’s coming anyway.

You all know how much I love him.  But I found out yesterday.  After I posted my blog revealing how much I wanted to love him and did that he’s been living a lie not just telling one.  He led me to believe he was 7 years older than me but he’s really 15 years older than me.  Along with that was a much longer marriage than he told me too.  His marriage ended on a different note than what he said.  In his defense he said he didn’t think I would talk to him if I knew the truth.  He said that once he started the lie he couldn’t face telling me about it.  He never thought we would get as close as we did as fast.  He is almost despondent about it.

I’ve said all along.  I want a man who puts God first.  Clearly he did not.  I want to be loved, and hugged, and kissed and I want someone to laugh with and eat with and make plans with.  I want everything I hoped for and dreamed with Martin about.  But I don’t need that more than I need to start things on the right foundation.  This just isn’t it.

But for everyone reading my blog who my story has inspired in anyway know this.  I am ok.  I know now that God has done an amazing work in me.  What I had with Martin was as good as it gets and the old me would have clung to it as a parasite to a host.  I am sad, but I am holding what I’ve been given in this life loosely for a reason.  If we hang on too tight we can find ourselves down a road we should have never been on in the first place.  At least at this point we are recognizing the problem and backing up to start over.

Martin was a gift and is a gift in my life.  He is not mine.  I can see what he needs beyond my own needs.  And what he needs right now is to get to a place where he is walking with the Lord everyday regardless of where I’m at.  He needs to nurture his relationship and grow and figure out who he is without having to lie about it.  He’s great and I don’t think he had the confidence in himself to see that.  He’s got a lot of history to sort out that he can’t deny.  He has to work through it just like I had to.

He will always be a part of my life.  I’m not sure at this point that it will be anything more than a good friendship.  It’s just that right now, he needs a friend who he can be anybody to instead of a love he needs to impress.  After yesterday I’m resolved.  And it’s okay.

And if you think about it.  Maybe this is the selfless love God talks about anyway that a wife should have for a husband and friends should have for one another.  The minute I say…but what about me…I’m just in it for myself.  Instead I will ask.  How can I glorify the Lord in this situation.  And try my best to honor Him with my decision.  If there is any future for Martin and I in this life.  I have to model and show him what real love does and is.

^{1 Cor.13  4-8}

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails.