My toughest job is also my most rewarding and the one that brings me the most heartache. It’s being a mom. I can’t say I’ve felt like I was very good at it sometimes. I’m not the kind of mom who remembers to put wetnaps in her purse or brings snacks to swim meets. I don’t even bring any money with me either. I did the whole volunteering at the school thing until about 3rd grade and then the other mom’s and the politics bothered me so much I just couldn’t do it. Sometimes I look at these other moms “doing” the “right” things and I start judging myself. But then I think…there are so many teenagers who don’t talk to their parents or spend time with them. And then I realize that even though I don’t do those things…I’m probably doing an okay job.
Last night they were both in their beds reading before bed. I went in to snuggle with my daughter and I had the most amazing and special time with her. She was curled up on her side and I rested my head on the bed right at her tummy and she brushed my hair back from my face as she read. She was giving me comfort and she said, “Mom I hope when I’m old like you I look as good as you do without make up.” haha. I’m sure she meant that as a compliment.
We had the sweetest conversation though. And she said, “I have friends that don’t like their moms at all and I feel sorry for them. They’re stupid. But I love you mom and I’m proud of you.” Wow. I have to admit it was somewhat of a lovefest last night. Because I said the same thing back to her.
I didn’t even want a daughter. I was afraid to have one. I grew up in a house of four sisters and we were awful to our mom. But I’m so glad I had her. She’s someone who I’m already becoming friends with and as soon as she is an adult I know we will just keep growing closer and closer. We’ll be able to share more.
I smoked a tri-tip roast last night and we had corn on the cob for dinner. While we were sitting in the backyard eating my son asked me if he could run with me. So when it was time we got on our running clothes and took off. That was a blast too. He is in such awesome shape. It made me feel like I was 60. He is a water polo player and swimmer. I especially felt old when my knee gave out and started cramping up. First time that has happened. We walked mostly after that and cut the run short. I was bummed. I wanted to show off. But we had a very good time talking and just being together.
I love my kids and they are good kids. And I’m going to read this over and over again when she is snotty to me and he refuses to do his homework or slams the door cause I’ve told him to clean his room. I don’t want them to grow up and leave me.
It makes all the trips to the doctors, waiting for music lessons, driving back home for forgotten homework seem totally worth it. It makes me a little sad that it will all be over soon and I will start another season in my life. Even though I’m excited for that life too. Bittersweet.
Martin always tells me not to worry about the clutter around when I get too busy or distracted with other things to pick it all up. The most important thing is to have a house filled with love. And that is definitely the kind of house I lead. I asked my son if I was an okay mom and he said, “Yeah, you are I only wish you wouldn’t be so tough on us sometimes.” And I gave him a hug and said, “We’ll talk again when you’re 30 and have kids of your own.” Then he kissed me good night. It was a very good night.