It’s Official Official

I got the papers in the mail just now.  My first reaction was, “Oh wow!  I did it right!”  I did the whole divorce myself without the help of my ex who is truly my ex now and without the help of any lawyer which saved thousands of dollars.  I feel strangely serene at the moment.  I feel like I should want to cry but I can’t bring myself to it.  A good sign I think.

I kept saying in my head, “Well when I’m officially divorced…<fill in the blank>.  But mostly it was when I thought about Martin and all he means to me.  How much I want to marry him.

And that is strange and a miracle in and of itself because when I first was dealing with the concept of being divorced, getting married again seemed like something only people who were certifiably insane would ever do.  Who is stupid enough to believe you could love and TRUST someone for the REST of your LIFE?  I was burned and betrayed and I could not fathom trusting anyone ever again.  Ever.

And then I met Martin.  Who had been in a very difficult marriage for 20 years, raised two well-adjusted girls, who never cheated on his wife despite opportunity to do so and who wasn’t on the single dating scene at all (just like me).  We were just two people who wanted to find someone to connect with on a deep level but neither one of us really were looking or thought it even possible.

Perhaps I AM officially insane because I would trust that man with my life and I love him with all my heart.  And if I were to make a very honest statement.  He is the only man I have ever loved with ALL my heart.

Sometimes I feel bad when I relay the story to my friends.  Especially my friends who were dumped and single and even more the ones who have been single for a good many years.  Sometimes I feel like they’ve been spinning the wheel time and time again only to come up short and I walked up on my first try, and hit the jackpot.  Why was I so blessed?  It almost doesn’t seem fair (although I’m not complaining).

I think back to that diary entry the day after my ex left where I wrote out the kind of man I wanted.  And Martin is that man.  I can compare trait for trait.

So here’s to the first day of the rest of my life!  Wow.  Officially single.  And I’ve decided what I want to do.

As soon as my kids are picked up by their dad tonight, I’m going to climb up this mountain where at the top is a large white cross.  The first time I climbed it I about died because I weighed about 25 lbs more than I do now and I was as unfit as I had ever been.  I was with my husband who I bickered with the entire time and my two kids who texted on their phones.  The second time I climbed it I was with Martin and I couldn’t believe how much easier it was.  We stood at the top looking out onto the green hills of springtime and feeling hope for our future.  So tonight I will climb it by myself.  After doing 3 miles in 24 min last night on my run I think it will be a piece of cake.  I will go up early enough to be able to sit and read my Bible before the sun sets.  I will thank God for what He’s brought me through.

4 responses to “It’s Official Official

  1. Congratulations!! That’s awesome. And damn, 3 miles in 24 mins?? I am such a slow runner, it takes me closer to 30! Good for you! And enjoy the climb, take some pics!! 🙂

  2. Livvy, you rock! And you are free! So proud of you – and so glad you share your journey! Don’t feel “guilty” about friends in singleton situations. There’s a reason for that. Talked to two friends yesterday – one divorced 15 years and she is in love; the other went through a horrendous divorce with situation much like yours. Six months after decree, she is in love with the greatest guy and happier than I’ve ever seen her. While no other person can make you happy, another person – the right one at the time – who you share happiness with is indescribably delish! Happy weekend, sweetie!

  3. Pingback: What Could Be Better? « Improvised Life·

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