Does anyone have a DVR? I do and I was watching a show a while back and forgot I had recorded it. In the middle of the program was an interruption from the news about a strong storm headed our way and I instantly thought, “Oh no, not again we just had a big storm last week!” Then I laughed at myself because I remembered. Other times I am watching and a promo comes on for a movie or TV show and I think, “Oh yes, that would be good!” only to realize the date for the airing of the program has passed and I’m too late. Stupid DVR.
Sometimes I have moments like that with my ex. NOT that I want him back in any way because I don’t but through this entire process my interactions with him have messed with my head.
For example, he sees one child for dinner on Tuesday and another on Thursday night each week. He has the garage door opener and sometimes just the sound of the garage door going down would bring on instant tears. Especially when he dropped them off to leave. It was like a replay in my mind of him walking out the door. Leaving me over and over again. Leaving my kids over and over again.
There are moments that come that seem so familiar and remind me of my old life when I was a wife and mother and we were a family. And its missing that “life” that is no more – dead and gone that sometimes brings sorrow that I can’t explain. It’s not HIM that I want back. It’s my life. He destroyed that life, he does not deserve to have it back. He walked away and in doing so abdicated his rights to the respect and honor that came with it from me. But I miss being a family.
He came over before my son’s party a couple of weeks ago and brought the sandwiches in on a tray. He handed me the condiments and what happened next was this familiar dance we had done 100,000 times before. Putting groceries away, rinsing off counters, getting out of each other’s way to fit something in the fridge. Only this time Martin was sitting in the family room and my ex was the guest. While it was familiar to be in that kitchen with him and almost like Dejavu it didn’t pull at my heart-strings because it I knew I had something better in my future.
I didn’t want to rewind back to familiar. I just wanted to push play and live in the present. It was a great moment for me. A moment when I knew my ex held no more power over me.
During the rest of the party I was so proud that my son had invited Martin to attend his party. Martin laughed and was himself and spoke to my ex a little. The two of them even played on the same Foosball team against me and my brother-in-law. Yeah it was a little strange for all of us, but it was what it was and my son was happy. And I was happy.
I was talking to my mother (of all people) yesterday and she actually listened to me for a change. I told her about the Saturday when Martin was here on his last trip where he and I and my two teenage kids hung out in the backyard all day and night. Playing games, cooking, laughing, eating, singing, playing more games. I told her about how involved Martin was in the fun of it all and how his energy was contagious to me and the kids and how much we laughed. It was a family experience like we had never known with my ex. And even weeks later it has left us all with this afterglow of joy. And for me at least, that is not an overstatement.
Is it counterproductive to rewind a little in my brain and think back and reflect on the past? For me anyway it helps to clarify the present a little bit. Like that time I was watching the DVR and I thought the storm was coming and realized it had already passed. It is a relief to see it all from a distance.