Yesterday I thought I was going to throw up. I got hot and started to perspire. I was grabbing my chest and couldn’t catch my breath. Tears were streaming down my face and no matter what anyone said to me I could not make it stop for a good 10 min. I wasn’t dying….I was laughing hysterically. My son had just gotten home from school and Martin was telling us a story on Skype about what he used to do in his professional soccer days in England when he was only about 16. We sat there on the couch and just laughed and laughed and laughed.
They are gone now. The kids are with their dad for the weekend. One chalked full of going to the movies with his …person who the kids are having a hard time with.
Speaking of hard times, I had a hard day. But not as hard as some. I made $200 extra bucks cause of a photography job. I have a nice warm (too warm but that’s just cause of the sun) house to live in. I am counting my blessings for sure. Because my colleague from an old job is dying. All of a sudden. He’s 38 and has stage 4 brain cancer. Has a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old. Has a wife that has been threatening to leave him for over a year because she is not in love anymore. He has sent me multiple messages wondering how I dealt with the rejection and hoping I was doing better. He asked me to lunch. I turned him down flat. Now he’s dying. His wife is rallying and I am in wonder at it all.
Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason to it. I’m so deeply in love with a man who I never expected to meet. I’m not getting any younger. And sometimes I really struggle at the whole “take is slow” approach. Life is so short.
Today Martin disappointed me. First time, won’t be the last. But firsts count for something. I know he’s got good intentions and a good heart. I am sad. But I’m remembering he’s human. I had near perfection or so I thought for almost 20 years.
Near perfection is not what it’s cracked up to be. I don’t want a perfect man. I want the perfect man for me.