What I Don’t Know

It is a strange and curious thing for me to realize that on this March 23, 2010 I am more connected with a man from England and what is happening with him in Chicago than my husband.  Not because he really is my husband in any sense of the word anymore.  He is not and hasn’t been for a long time.  But he started a new job today.  And I have thought about it maybe twice all day.  I did wish him a good day on a text because I truly hope it all works out.  But my heart is with Martin in Chicago.  And after so many months of fighting for my marriage and hoping for his return and then giving up and going ahead with divorce proceedings, I am realizing that in the end this might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Not that I would change one thing.  I would not.  I would have fought just as hard knowing the outcome.

But Martin is a gift.  And I don’t get it, I don’t get why I have this now.  So soon (relatively).  And if you’ve been reading this blog you know that I’ve been in a little bit of a battle with myself over my feelings.  I’m afraid of getting hurt again so I was extremely guarded.  But Martin has been quickly earning my trust.  I say quickly because it has only been 4 months.  But those months have been jam-packed with deep conversations and lots and lots of time spent together.

Lets see, I have spent about 440 hours with him in person (not counting sleep).  I have spoken by voice to him for upwards of 2-300 more hours.  I have chatted with him for thousands of hours.  Truly.  We have been in daily contact for hours at a time since November 15.  And I realize there are some things that I do not know yet.

But I do know he likes it when I wear black.  I’ve seen him cry (The Notebook), laugh, be slightly annoyed (it takes a lot to get him severely annoyed), be silly, be sorry, tired, hungry, nervous, proud.  I know lots! But there is something that I don’t know.  I’ve been wracking my brains trying to figure out what it is.

I’ve been thinking about him in those interviews today doing his thing.  Being confident, talking about his company and their products, his successes and his ideas.  Knowing that he is nervous but knowing how to make that work for him.  I’ve been thinking how much he liked his goatee that he had when he came over on his last trip until he realized it scratched the skin off my chin and promptly shaved it off so he could kiss me with more passion.  I’ve been thinking about how kind his eyes are when he looks at me and tells me he loves me.  I’ve been thinking about what I don’t like.  And the list is so small and inconsequential that it doesn’t even bare mentioning.  And I have LOOKED for things to not like.

I do know that he likes his eggs sunny-side up.  I know he prefers white wine to red when its warm outside.  That he will bypass a salad for more main course (which I would never do –  I’m a salad fanatic).  I know that when his hair gets over a quarter inch long on his head he feels like he needs a hair cut and have cut his hair twice already.  I know he prefers baths to showers because he likes to dunk his head and zone out for a while.  I know he asks questions when he wants something instead of saying directly.  For example, “Are you hungry” means I am hungry.  “Do you think some music might be nice?” instead of lets turn on some music.  “There’s a sign for Big Bear on the right” instead of turn you idiot you’re missing your exit!

I know lots of things.  I know he doesn’t snore, doesn’t drink enough water, pushes himself too hard to stay awake and will eat just about anything.  I know that he sees the world through music and will randomly break out in song if the situation makes him remember one.  I know that he is thoughtful and is always willing to help out.  I know that he doesn’t know how to rinse dishes that well or place them into a dishwasher cause he’s never owned one but he is willing and very able to learn.  I know that he doesn’t like waking up early but will do it  to talk to me.

I know he loves me.  I know to him that means something more than a feeling.  And I know I love him.  I know that my greatest fear of falling for a man who lives 6000 miles away is being dealt with by him who wants to be with me as much and enough to put himself through a rigorous two-day interview in order to perhaps have the opportunity to drive down the block and take me out on a date.

I asked him if he really lived that close, did he think that we could stand to be apart?  And he said no.

So what is it that I don’t know?

I don’t know what it feels like to wake up every morning with him in bed.  I don’t know how he folds his shirts or if he folds his underwear (he calls them pants and pants trousers…it’s an English thing). I don’t know what its like to look into his eyes and see years of memories.  I don’t know how it feels to belong to him.  To be his, for real.

And I’m getting to the point where I want to know those things.  I want to know what it feels like to be loved for being me for years and years and to get to love someone back and do nice things for them.  That is the greatest and it can only happen if you are lucky enough to find someone who really loves you for you.

I know that my husband wished I were different from the beginning.  I felt as though I was letting him down almost from day one.  I did not keep the house clean enough, I was too emotional.  Those were the two big things.  And no matter how hard I tried to give to him, he never felt comfortable receiving.  It was not ideal.  But this time around.  I feel like who I am is enough.

Martin says, “I can’t wait to share things with you.  To make dinner together, sat down on the settee and sip our coffee reading or working together.  I can’t wait to listen to music and sing and look over across the room and know you love me.  Go to church, go for drives, sit on the sand, boogie board with you.  I want to walk off that golf course on Saturday morning and have you waiting at the club house to have lunch with me.  I want to  take care of you and love you.  I want you to go to sleep in my arms at a good time of night without having to take your sleeping tablets.  I want to take you to Greece.  I want all those things yeah?  And I’m doing everything I can to make that happen so we get that chance.  And if it’s not this job, it will be another one cause I’m comin’ over there. I love you and I want to be with you.”

And yes.  I love him too.  And I think that when I was saying “maybe just maybe” before…it is now…”how can this NOT be?”

What I know today is that I want to know what I don’t know tomorrow and every other day.  And how any of this is real is a miracle to me.  I would not have dreamed it.  And I’m so very grateful God’s plans are bigger than mine.

Ephesians 3:20

“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.”

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