Today was a crazy day.  It was 5:15 when I realized I forgot my son’s orthodontist appointment for the second time in a row.  I also forgot to eat.  I was busy juggling deadlines at work, two teenagers home from school with projects to complete and a PC upstairs that decided to die on me.  Throughout the day I was running through the list in my head of things I wanted to do before it was too late.  It included phone calls, laundry, filling my Ambien prescription and calling my mom.  I should just write this stuff down but even when I do that, I forget to look at my list!  Sometimes life seems so big with so much to manage.  I miss my helpmate.  It’s all me now.  But I’m finding out I can do it, its just harder.

I know it’s kind of a cheesy song but whenever I hear the Miley Cyrus’ song, “The Climb” I kind of tear up.  I think anyone would who has gone through the kind of trials I have the past couple of years.  I’m sorry to all the cool people out there…but when I hear,

“Theres always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Aint about how fast I get there,
Aint about what’s waiting on the other side
Its the climb…”

It gets to me.  And I get inspired.  I remember that I AM ABLE,  and even when it feels tough, I am doing it.  And I’ve been doing it for 11 months now.

Tomorrow I’m going to the Clerk office for my county and I’m filing the petition for divorce.  I know it will be a hard day.  Even though I want to do it, and I know it’s time.  It will be tough.  It will be a milestone.  One I never ever wanted for my life or for my children, or for him.  But it is a necessary step that I need to take in order to face reality and move forward.

And even though I wish I could be done with all this mess, there are still things to do.  And no one is going to clean them up for me.  I have to do it.  Sometimes I wish my life could be like Samantha from Bewitched.  I wish I could wiggle my nose and get passed all the hard stuff.  But I can’t.  The only way to get up the mountain is to climb it.  Cheesy?  Maybe, but it’s also true.  And sometimes it’s very tiring.  But I will press on.

At this very moment, my kids are watching TV in the family room.  They are warm and safe and they’ve done their chores and their homework.  We sat at the table and ate our leftovers and talked about our day and that is what it is all about.   This is life.  And it is good.  I’m thankful for them.  And my job God has given to me as a parent is bigger than my pain.  And I do not want to let them down.  And if I can help it, I won’t.

2 responses to “Climbing

  1. I found your blog about a week ago by googling “when your husband doesn’t love you anymore.” A blog you wrote back in spring of 2008 came up, which was right after your husband said those words to you. It has been interesting reading your blog, having started back in 2008. Your words about standing by your man, loving him regardless, praying for him…they were inspirational to me, as I’m 29 and in a similar situation. It was a bit disheartening to keep reading, tho! Please know my heart goes out to you. I believe I am a bit younger than you, and I don’t have any kids. But I fear I am beginning the same journey you are currently walking, that of a woman whose husband leaves.

    I appreciate your resolve, your faith, and strength that comes across in your writing. Know that it is encouraging to a woman in Texas who may be walking the same path!

    • Thank you Lisa for your encouragement too. I pray that in your struggles and trials that you will be strong in your convictions, and truly guided by the Spirit. I had many many people tell me to quit and that it wasn’t worth it. And those same people telling me, now that he left and we are getting a divorce that they were right. But I do not regret being faithful. I got to see the Holy Spirit work through me in a way I have never felt or seen before. And who knows that years down the road, the unconditional love I gave my husband won’t be remembered and his heart will soften and he will come back to a real and honest relationship with the Lord because of it. Or that my example to my kids or my friends will change how they deal with a crisis in their lives. It was worth it. Every tear, every smile, every time I showed love in the face of rejection. Because in the end I want to hear, “Well done good and faith servant.” It’s not about keeping your husband. It’s about remaining faithful and true to who you say you are….so that you know that NO MATTER what happens…you are left standing…perhaps not by your man, but definitely on the rock and next to the one who will never ever leave you.

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