Well I’ve taken the dive into psycho-therapy. I’m not sure what to make of it yet except that my doctor smiles a lot and has a note pad that he writes things down on. And I cry a lot while I’m there. I had my second visit today and we are already talking about my childhood. It was an interesting one. Lots of fights but lots of love. It’s a little exhausting drudging all that stuff up again. But maybe it will help me understand why my life has taken a turn for the worse.
Since my husband left I have been desperate for validation. The weekend he moved out I met a nice guy online. He was handsome and smart and single and relatively close and had gone to high school with me although I don’t remember him. We got to talking and discovered we had quite a bit in common. And we sort of hit it off. He thought I was cute and I thought he was amazing. Did you hear me right? Yes, this is when the sound of the needle scratching off the record is heard. I know. It just doesn’t seem like something that should happen at that moment. I was desperately sad but at the same time reaching out. Or is it just what often happens in moments like this. Moments of loneliness and confusion we just want something to make our pain go away.
Well lucky for me, this was a stand up guy who put distance between us fairly quickly and kept things platonic and slowly backed off. I rarely hear from him now. He’s just a friend. But a darn cute one. I haven’t talked about him yet in therapy maybe I don’t need to but I do think I’m still looking for everything to feel okay. In the midst of this terrible storm I am searchng for an anchor to hang onto to keep my head above the water. I’m afraid to manage all of this on my own. I’m afraid of having no reference point in another person to run things passed and bounce things off of.
I’m afraid to be alone. And I guess that is why I’m in therapy. Other than be severely depressed – I know that one of the reasons I’m so miserable is that I’m afraid. And fear is a horrible force. I can quote Scripture after Scripture telling me not to fear. But in my core I am. I can’t deny it. I’m afraid of being alone for many years. I’m afraid of not feeling love and safety of a love.
The therapist told me today that during our courtship and marriage my husband had put me on a pedestal. He treated me like a queen. And in that I was lonely. I didn’t feel like I had a partner. I felt alone. And he’s right. I did. And I questioned whether I should have married my husband. He was kind, and had a servants heart. But he was very passive. And he avoided conflict at any cost. That is until he had had enough and decided to end our marriage.
But I think talking these things out with someone I don’t know who is trained to sort through the muck to gain better understanding will help me. I hope. I go back Friday.
We’ll see if this is something worthwhile for me or not.