I’m Not All That

When I was a child, I would try anything.  I remember one trip to the beach in particular, where I attempted to swim out to a sandbar only to get stuck in a riptide and rescued by a lifeguard.  Guess what I never tried again?  I also remember getting advanced to a farm club in gymnastics and having a really bad first day.  I was 7 and in a completely new environment.  I stood with the wrong group and felt like a fool when I was told.  The gym had a broken girls bathroom and I was told if I had to go I had to go in the boys but there were men playing basketball and so I held it.  I remember I was cold too.  Being cold and having to go to the bathroom is not a good combination for a 7 year old.  I went home never to return.  I got scared, I lost my confidence.

Now when bad things happen to me the confidence I lose has higher stakes.  It’s my life…love…career…

I used to think I was lovable and have been told by my cheating husband that it was my fault he left and went into the arms of another woman.  I believed him.  How can I love again if I’m unlovable.  I also got laid off from my job and now I feel so vulnerable at work too.  I did get a new job but I just don’t feel secure anymore.

I feel stuck in limbo and alone and no matter what people tell me about how pretty I am, skilled, gifted, nice, whatever it is…they are like whispers drowned out by the screaming of my own mind telling me how unworthy I am instead.  I can’t get rid of that voice in my head that I believe over what other people say about me.  Because I know the entire story, I see me with all my history, I know the real me.  And they only know a piece of me.  It’s easy to fool people when you only let them see part of you.

I never felt like I deserved my husband, or my job and when I lost both it was confirmation in my head that what I believed all along was in fact true.  I wasn’t worthy.

I want to be my own cheerleader and believe in myself again.  But for some reason I can’t.

I hope someday I’m writing on this blog and show you a confident, triumphant Livvy.  But for now.  I’m just being honest.  I don’t feel like I’m all that.  And I know me better than you do.