I’m Not All That

When I was a child, I would try anything.  I remember one trip to the beach in particular, where I attempted to swim out to a sandbar only to get stuck in a riptide and rescued by a lifeguard.  Guess what I never tried again?  I also remember getting advanced to a farm club in gymnastics and having a really bad first day.  I was 7 and in a completely new environment.  I stood with the wrong group and felt like a fool when I was told.  The gym had a broken girls bathroom and I was told if I had to go I had to go in the boys but there were men playing basketball and so I held it.  I remember I was cold too.  Being cold and having to go to the bathroom is not a good combination for a 7 year old.  I went home never to return.  I got scared, I lost my confidence.

Now when bad things happen to me the confidence I lose has higher stakes.  It’s my life…love…career…

I used to think I was lovable and have been told by my cheating husband that it was my fault he left and went into the arms of another woman.  I believed him.  How can I love again if I’m unlovable.  I also got laid off from my job and now I feel so vulnerable at work too.  I did get a new job but I just don’t feel secure anymore.

I feel stuck in limbo and alone and no matter what people tell me about how pretty I am, skilled, gifted, nice, whatever it is…they are like whispers drowned out by the screaming of my own mind telling me how unworthy I am instead.  I can’t get rid of that voice in my head that I believe over what other people say about me.  Because I know the entire story, I see me with all my history, I know the real me.  And they only know a piece of me.  It’s easy to fool people when you only let them see part of you.

I never felt like I deserved my husband, or my job and when I lost both it was confirmation in my head that what I believed all along was in fact true.  I wasn’t worthy.

I want to be my own cheerleader and believe in myself again.  But for some reason I can’t.

I hope someday I’m writing on this blog and show you a confident, triumphant Livvy.  But for now.  I’m just being honest.  I don’t feel like I’m all that.  And I know me better than you do.

2 responses to “I’m Not All That

  1. Pingback: To Those Reading My Blog « Improvised Life·

  2. Livvy – one day – maybe not today, this week, this month – but one day you will see that the husband didn’t deserve you and layoffs happen because companies have to tighten up right now. You can get where you want to be. Promise.

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