When I was a child, I would try anything. I remember one trip to the beach in particular, where I attempted to swim out to a sandbar only to get stuck in a riptide and rescued by a lifeguard. Guess what I never tried again? I also remember getting advanced to a farm club in gymnastics and having a really bad first day. I was 7 and in a completely new environment. I stood with the wrong group and felt like a fool when I was told. The gym had a broken girls bathroom and I was told if I had to go I had to go in the boys but there were men playing basketball and so I held it. I remember I was cold too. Being cold and having to go to the bathroom is not a good combination for a 7 year old. I went home never to return. I got scared, I lost my confidence.
Now when bad things happen to me the confidence I lose has higher stakes. It’s my life…love…career…
I used to think I was lovable and have been told by my cheating husband that it was my fault he left and went into the arms of another woman. I believed him. How can I love again if I’m unlovable. I also got laid off from my job and now I feel so vulnerable at work too. I did get a new job but I just don’t feel secure anymore.
I feel stuck in limbo and alone and no matter what people tell me about how pretty I am, skilled, gifted, nice, whatever it is…they are like whispers drowned out by the screaming of my own mind telling me how unworthy I am instead. I can’t get rid of that voice in my head that I believe over what other people say about me. Because I know the entire story, I see me with all my history, I know the real me. And they only know a piece of me. It’s easy to fool people when you only let them see part of you.
I never felt like I deserved my husband, or my job and when I lost both it was confirmation in my head that what I believed all along was in fact true. I wasn’t worthy.
I want to be my own cheerleader and believe in myself again. But for some reason I can’t.
I hope someday I’m writing on this blog and show you a confident, triumphant Livvy. But for now. I’m just being honest. I don’t feel like I’m all that. And I know me better than you do.