I have been writing for 4 years now and have shared some of the most heart-wrenching and intimate details of my life. I had a plan when I was a kid and worked diligently to execute that plan. But 2007 was the beginning of the end. October of 2009 I accepted (finally) my new path that I now called Improvised Life. I had to make changes, I didn’t know the end result. I could never have guessed where that path took me. To Ireland, England, into a deceptive and destructive love that I thought was healing and nurturing. I learned and changed as I went. I gave up old ways of looking at things. I adapted my stance on many issues but the core of who I am remained the same. That I could not compromise.
In the next couple of months my life is going to have a new trajectory. I’m going to be a wife again. No – he still hasn’t proposed officially. Yes – I’m still waiting to make it public until he does. Yes – it’s messing with my mind a bit. But we talk about it everyday. And I trust his heart and what he says so I’m good. Just a little impatient. :-)
I know my life will still continue to evolve and I’ll continue to grow but the main problem for me will be somewhat resolved. The main problem has always been, “Where do I go from here?” I improvised because I was not on a set path. People came in and out of my life. Each time I wondered if this would become my “new life.”
Ultimately this speaks to how I view myself in the world. When I was married I did not have much of a sense of self. I acted on behalf of my family. Period. I did many things wrong with that line of thinking. I did many things right too. But it was naïve and misguided because I did not consider my “self” as separate from my husband. While we are supposed to become “one” in marriage. I don’t think you are supposed to lose your identity. And I did.
I found it again pretty quick after my ex left. But then I had to get to know it. I had to remember who I was before my marriage. What I liked doing. How I liked acting. I slowly stripped away the confines of my previous role and began taking steps that I wanted to take. Almost rebelliously I did what I wanted to do. I definitely lived boldly.
One thing I realized about myself is that I long for connection. I just do. I like having a companion. I like having a “someone” who knows about my day, my toils, my secrets and I like knowing about theirs. It is not a burden to me, it is a joy.
I also realized that I like living large not small. I like to have fun. I like to show affection. I like to take risks. That is who I am.
If I allowed my definition of being single as finding a routine that worked for me, becoming independent in almost every way possible, and waiting for the right man to come along passively. I think I’d have to shoot myself.
But instead I define my singleness as the following. I’ve figured out that I am good company for myself. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. I’ve learned to make good, healthy choices for myself each and every day no matter who is around me. Man, woman or child influences these choices but ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness. NO ONE ELSE. If I’m not happy…it’s not Harry’s fault, or my kids, or my friends.
And that definition of singleness has converted me from a dependent, unhappy, afraid woman of 39 into a vibrant, happy, adventurous woman of 44.
The ship is pulling into the dock. This leg of my journey is ending soon.
Where do I go from here? I have to ask that question again.
I know I have to keep writing. It has become a part of who I am. I know my posts are not as interesting anymore because there is not as much drama in my life. THANK GOD FOR THAT. Happiness is not as intriguing.
So I’m open for suggestions. What should Livvy’s next chapter be called? What should I write ABOUT in 2014?
Here are some possibilities:
Begin my book that will become a Hallmark movie based on a naïve and lost divorce’ who falls in love with seemingly “the perfect guy” a foreign prince charming who really is a lying, egomaniacal, manipulator only to be rescued by a true prince charming that doesn’t seem at all perfect but in the end is?
Begin my book that will become the next big screen romantic comedy called Improvised Life. Centered around how three people see the world…Livvy who sees the goodness and possibility in loving relationships and makes the most out of the ones she finds herself in until she meets Harry who changes everything by being everything she said she never wanted but now can’t live without. Harry who never believed he would ever find true love and has his world turned upside down when he finds it in the person he expected it in least? And Martin, who would do anything to get what he wants. And how those three lives collide and change all three of them forever.
Begin a new blog as Livvy the Married Woman…2nd marriage issues like: Keeping the fire burning – Dealing with Family – Keeping a friend in your husband – Dealing with children – Planning for the future.
Begin a new blog that doesn’t center around me but instead muses about random things that I notice or see happening in the world and people around me.
What do you think? HELP!!!