Harry and I are still out on a limb but at least we’re out there together. It’s been weeks now and neither one of us has balked. Neither one of us has said to the other, “I can’t do this”, or “I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.” It’s always been, “I want this so let’s figure this out.” And I have to give credit to both of us for that. He’s being patient with my questions and I’m being patient with how busy he is and how difficult it is for him to move forward on some of the things I think are important to getting us past this.
It hasn’t been without the rising and falling of tensions though. Last night when we were headed to dinner I told him it’s a little like being out on a limb. The further you go out the more the limb bounces. We’ve had some incredible highs in the last two weeks. Moments of tears, smiles, lots of laughs and dates neither one of us will soon forget. And we’ve had some lows too where each of us have taken turns losing our patience with the other.
It’s interesting to consider that where we are at right now…balancing out on a bouncy limb is precisely where neither one of us wanted to be. In Harry’s own way he was seeking safety. He was trying to keep himself from harm by doing what he did. I wanted to be safe too. I wanted to feel that sure safety of being a part of something again that I could believe in. But here we are instead.
We are not where we wanted to be at all. But the effect it’s had on us is interesting.
We have to talk about things that are hard. We have to listen and try to understand. We have to keep deliberately choosing each other. And in doing so we are clinging onto each other as the limb dips and sways. We are having to rely and trust each other in ways we would not have been challenged to a month ago.
I don’t want this twig to snap. So far it’s been flexible enough to hold us. And I seriously want to get off of it and back on solid ground as soon as possible.
There are still issues that need to be worked out. There are still things I really wanted to see that I’m not seeing yet. It does seem like he’s working toward the right direction for those things to happen soon. I’m still fighting against fear that I’m trusting foolishly again. But I’d rather error on that side than say no to something that could be the best thing that ever happened to me and I have good reason to believe this could.
As he put it…we are both stretching our sensibilities right now. Trying to work out the kinks in this otherwise beautiful and fulfilling friendship and romance.
Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. I’m finding that writing less about my life is helping me to process because I’m not locking myself down by writing something and then forcing myself to reckon with what I’ve written. Right now I’m so up and down along with the limb…that NOT writing and frankly not sharing any of this with other people - is allowing me some freedom to feel strong emotions either way and to kind of roll with it a little instead. And it’s making me seek God and Harry more than anything else.
Branches that can bend instead of break….survive. And I’m all for survival.
You’ve always been a survivor, Livvy. And I have no doubt, whatever the outcome, you will come out of it stronger. And you’re right – somethings are better processed in private. I’ll continue to pray for you. xxx