I surround myself with people who love me and care about me. I don’t always let them in all the way but I know they care. If I wanted to I could pick a niche and become “one of them” from 3 or 4 different social groups. I usually keep them at arms distance. I like a small inner circle.
But when I found Martin and it was so good I shared with anyone who would listen. I overflowed happiness and hope and let them all in on the story.
I’m soooo regretting that this week. Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY wants to know where the wedding is going to be and when. They are asking me to see the ring that doesn’t exist. They want to know what I got for my birthday. I tell them a present that was on order and was never picked up, all I know is it was a book. I quickly soften it with telling them he got me beautiful roses and a very nice card.
They ask these questions because they want to be supportive. They care. But I’m running out of platitudes and vague statements.
Today I drove into work to the boss who was the most awesome boss in the world allowing me to work from England and miss key meetings so I could plan my wedding. First thing she said was, let me see the ring. I had to tell her I didn’t have one yet. To which she got a funny quizzical look on her face. Then said that she thought we would have taken care of that while I was there to which I replied that I thought that too.
The end of the day I left with bear hugs and well wishes and encouragement. They know something is up. I couldn’t hide it. It’s all over my face.
I just don’t want to explain it. The details are too intimate. The hurt is…well I’m kind of numb to it right now. But I’m afraid the more I talk about it the more real it will be and deeper it will jab at my scars. I do not want to have gaping wounds again that won’t heal. So instead of being my usually more typically than most, honest self. I find myself saying things I don’t even believe. Helplessly hoping that I have got it wrong.
Deep down I already know. I know that it’s something very bad and something very big. Because if it wasn’t he would have had the courage to contact me by now. It’s been a week now since I’ve talked to him. Either that or he’s dead in a ditch somewhere. Both scenarios leave me with a wound to stitch up. No matter how mutual it is at this point. I know me. I know I give people chances. Probably too many because I believe they and I will triumph over our weaknesses. So I know the wound will be deep. Mostly because the other person stopped believing it – whatever it is – it is now impossible.
My drive home found me turning the radio station with every meaningful love song that played. But ironically there was one I did not change. It was almost eerie the lyrics that floated from my speakers straight to my heart and cutting it open. Eerie because of who sang.
Martin is a huge Neil Young fan. Huge. He’s constantly listening to anything he ever wrote or sang. I pretty much don’t get him. Too whiney. But this song I got. At least this is what it meant to me when I heard it. To me it is just about people who are sad and not communicating and wish it could be better but for whatever the reason the man just can’t be who the woman wants him to be and neither one of them knows where they stand. The chorus I see as a list of everything they are…just a list. They are both people who feel alone, who are still together, who want the best for each other.
Helplessly Hoping
By Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Helplessly hoping
Her harlequin hovers nearby
Awaiting a word
Gasping at glimpses
Of gentle true spirit
He runs, wishing he could fly
Only to trip at the sound of good-bye
Wordlessly watching
He waits by the window
And wonders
At the empty place inside
Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams
He worries
Did he hear a good-bye? Or even hello?
They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are four for each other
Stand by the stairway
You’ll see something
Certain to tell you confusion has its cost
Love isn’t lying
It’s loose in a lady who lingers
Saying she is lost
And choking on hello
They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are four for each other
I do love him… and I’m so sad.
I hope things get better! Long distance relationships are a challenge, I wish you the best. Neil Young is good, I hope you listen to more and maybe you’ll like him. All the best
I’m so sorry! I can feel your pain here and I hate it for you. I’m hoping for you, too!
thank you I know you are rooting for me
My heart is breaking for you. I think you are too hard on yourself, though. You have given this man every chance to redeem himself after all his less-than-truthful stories over the past year, but still he fails YOU. You do sound like a strong, faithful woman – and you maybe you have strong opinions and aren’t afraid to say them. So what? That doesn’t make you unlovable and their are MANY men that would find that attractive. After all this time and all you’ve shared, what man wouldn’t just want to TALK about it, especially after how open you’ve been with each other the last couple of months? I think you should go with your gut and acknowledge this is probably an attempt to hide one of his lies behind his “concern” about your future potential. None of this, from the outside, seems to make sense. Take care of yourself!
Thank you for your encouragement. It doesn’t make sense from the inside either.
Yeah, with Lizzy here. He’s being a rude a******* at this point, and it would be totally unfair to make that be your fault in any way. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad man, but he’s acting like one at the moment. It’s very hard to deal with that from such a long way away.
I wonder if English guys are in general less keen to talk about that stuff? In many ways his behaviour doesn’t sound that surprising to me. But all the American guys I know are much better in that respect. Ours are more primeval, and it’s not a help!
Thinking of you, still. xxx
thanks it is very hard to deal with from such a distance and directly after seeing him so often.
LDR’s are so tough, but you hang in there. There are so many ups and downs, good feelings as well as feelings of regret and uncertainty. When I was in an LDR I often visited the site lovingyou.com and went to the LDR forum. It is a great thread that many ldr folks go on to give advice, support, ask questions, etc. Check it out!
Livvy – you ARE getting through this … you ARE an amazing, wonderful woman and the only issue here is that you were too trusting. Am going to get frank here – after my divorce, I fell head over heels with a man who I just knew was my soulmate. He loved everything about me and asked me to marry him about 20 times. And I said “no” 20 times. Then I started stumbling on the lies – an infinite necklace of lies. At first, I ignored them because I didn’t want to see them. Which produced even more lies. As it unraveled, he made it very clear that he didn’t love much of anything about me. And he was critical, any and everything was my fault, blah blah. I’m sorry to tell you this, but when a relationship starts with lies, they only get bigger and worse. Five years after telling him to hit the road, I am still getting texts and emails, which I ignore. Be discerning, very discerning. There really are many other fish in the sea, and you must never settle for “less than”. The lies and his treatment of you since you returned home is not acceptable. Period. Please google the lyrics to “Trust His Heart”. You are in my prayers – x izzie
Wow thank you for this. I’m taking it in.