Motivation

When I was in high school I ran track as I’ve mentioned before.  They always used to say, “The better the team, the more you’ll be motivated.”  Good competition during practice  motivated you to run faster which made you faster in the long run for the meets.  It makes sense.  You are motivated or not by who you are surrounded by.

When I switched jobs a few years ago the pace at my new job was much slower than my old one.  I went from working on 3 projects at a time, completely maxed out in every way to one job that I created for myself to be completed when I was done with it.  I adjusted.  So it works both ways.

I think I have a pretty good team assembled around me now a days.  They are filled with people who are real.  No holds barred, which can be bruising at times but I always learn something from them.  They are people with good hearts.  They would travel to Ireland with me just to cheer me up.  They would come over when I’ve called them in tears at the drop of a hat.  They would stay up late and talk to me so I don’t feel alone.  Running along side me and I them through the days when we’re coasting and up every hill.

I finally ran more than 3 miles yesterday.  Well, maybe I didn’t RUN more than 3 miles cause I walked a lot.  The complete distance was 5.78 miles and the first three were up a steady incline.  The incline is what killed me.  I thought it looked so slight.  No biggie.  But it was tough.  When I got home I looked closer at the incline graph and it was a gain of 350 ft.  Aaah…no wonder.  I did the entire run in an hour and 30 minutes.  Like I said, it killed me!  But I did it.  I had no choice.  I was alone and had to make it back home no matter how tired I was.

I remember back in the days when I woke up tired and after about 30 seconds I would remember the pain.  It enveloped every aspect of my life.  Everything was harder.  Some days, breathing was hard.  It was like when I hit mile 4 and my body started revolting against the exercise and was choosing to throw up instead.  I was pushed to the limit but I couldn’t stop.  I had to keep going and I didn’t see how I could.  So I stopped running and just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other.  No one appears with a red wagon to cart me along my path and give me rest when I needed it most.  It was something I thought was cruel.

I have great friends, but none of them could help me.  I had to get home on my own and it wasn’t going to be easy or quick.

And I guess that brings me to my final point.  Teammates are great.  I always run faster and better in life with them around me.  But when it comes right down to it.  You are the one who has to do the hard work.  They can only cheer you on.

Life is Good

We are missing each other. Wow.

I’ve never been with a sensitive guy before and Martin is sensitive.  I’m used to being the one who gets a little worried from time to time about nothing.  But today it was him.  I didn’t email him over night (his night) two days in a row.  I said a few things that he grabbed onto and worried about.  This whole 6,000 miles away and months apart is HARD.  That is a 4x emphasis on that word.  Bold, italics, underlined, and capitalized!  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because this is our story.  And it’s a good one.

He thought I was sending signals that I was losing interest today.  He totally misread what I had said.  All along I was worrying (again) at him leaving his family and life and feeling bad about the sacrifice he was making.  I was feeling selfish and wishing it could be different.  At the same time I was gearing myself up for a busy weekend where I knew we’d be missing each other time-wise for our long talks.  And I had a ton of work to finish for the week.  Sensitive to the change, he got worried, and drove 4 hours home after a long day at work worrying about it.  I knew something was up when we reconnected  but I didn’t know why.

“What in the world is wrong?”

“I’m just tired.  I’m sorry, you’ll laugh.”

“I bet I will go ahead!  Hit me with it.”

We laughed as his eyelids drooped and his head nodded after he explained what he was feeling.  I was able to alleviate his worry.

“Go to sleep silly.  I love you more than you’ll ever know and we are good.  I promise.”

“Okay, that’s good.” He said with a weak smile. He was drunk with tiredness but fighting it.

“You silly man.  If I was there I would take off your shoes, rub your head, give you a soft kiss on the lips and watch you fall asleep.  Go to sleep.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“I know.  I love you too.”

“Night night.”

I hung up the call smiling and knowing that I was loved, he is loved, and life is good.

 

Patina

About this time last January, Martin was back in England from a whirlwind trip to California where he made a commitment to follow Christ and fell in love with me.  Since then, his life has literally turned upside down.  He was so intense back then and knew he had found the two most important things he’d been looking for all his life.  The Lord and love.  Amazing. His intensity has matured and has grown deeper and the time we’ve been apart has tested our relationship and proven it to be real.  Now there is a sweet, rich quality to it that is even better than that initial love.  Like fine wine I guess.  And hopefully we have a long way to go.

We are working through a remarriage – marriage book.  And we are enjoying deep meaningful conversations as a result.  We are discussing Scripture and what we are learning at church, and discussing our future.  A while back I wrote about a relationship as it ages is kind of like tarnish on silver that sits out in a cabinet.  How you don’t notice over time that it gets dull and needs tending to in order to make it shine.  And this morning I was thinking about weddings and venues because I’m a woman who is about to get married and I’ve got “wedding” on the brain.

We are exploring the idea now of a wedding in England.  How amazing would that be?  In some castle somewhere?  On the cliffs, by the ocean, in some 300 year old building?  The venues are amazing there.  They are “real”.  In California the nice ones are made to look old.  In England they just are old.  With it comes an authentic charm that you just can’t get with Disneyland like application to create mood and ambiance.

A neglected relationship can tarnish over time without you realizing it.  But a rich, full, relationship will not over time stay as it was in the beginning, perfectly shiny and brand new.  It will age.  It should age.  And how it ages and because it ages adds to its value.

It’s called “Patina”.  It is defined like this:

Patina is everything that happens to an object over the course of time. The nick in the leg of a table, a scratch on a table top, the loss of moisture in the paint, the crackling of a finish or a glaze in ceramics, the gentle wear patterns on the edge of a plate. All these things add up to create a softer look, subtle color changes, a character. Patina is built from all the effects, natural and man-made, that create a true antique.^[3]

—Israel Sack

And I thought…wow.  That is what I want.  And that is what I’m getting in my relationship with Martin.

Not only does Patina give an object added value, but with some materials such as copper and bronze  it also protects it from corrosion.  It forms an outer coating that keeps the object pristinely preserved as it faces the elements of weather and wear.

And this is the most amazing part.  Whether an object degrades or increases in value over time is not …listen…NOT…dependent on how severe the attacks from the elements are.  In fact if made from the right material, the patina develops faster in stormy, seaside locations into that aged beauty that is prized.

So it’s not whether the storms of life come battering down on you…they will…and they will change you in some way.  There is no getting around it.

I want our relationship to be like those buildings that are 300 years old and still going strong.  Prized for their age and how time has changed them instead of a building that ages and is knocked down after a few years for a newer, better version because it is no longer functioning and hideously ugly.

Martin and I know that what we are attempting to do is hard.  A long distance relationship.  A couple from two different cultures who are 15 years apart.  Who both have children, careers, obligations.  So we know that especially with our relationship where the storms will be fierce, we need to make sure we are built with the right materials so we don’t fall apart at the seams.

Anything made of the right stuff gets better no matter what happens.  So the trials we have been through, the tests we have faced as a couple already in this first year have changed us.  And I for one am glad.  Because we ARE better than before, which means we are doing something right.

Last week we had a little crisis.  We were faced with a problem that was upsetting and feelings were hurt.  We tried to talk about it but both of us got more upset.  It was rough.  How do you deal with a real problem when the other person is on the other side of the world?  It was frustrating and I started to feel that little panic thing starting again.  At the same time we were having connection problems.  He couldn’t get onto Skype which initially made it even more frustrating.  I wanted to throw something.  I could feel my blood starting to boil.  And I thought what in the world?  This isn’t working, what can we do?  And then I remembered that I said I wanted Jesus at the center of our relationship and I suggested we both stop trying to connect with Skype and turn to God through reading and prayer and talk again later.  I didn’t know if he agreed or not because I couldn’t reach him and didn’t get an email back.  But I opened my Bible and read Colossians 3: 12-14

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity

I prayed and prayed and read a devotion from one of my favorite pastors about peace with God.  And I literally got an entirely brand new perspective that I simply could not see before that time with God.  I felt the weight literally lift off of me and I knew I was back where I needed to be.

And I thought – this is what it’s all about.  This is fantastic.  What I’ve always dreamed a relationship could be like.  Christ is at the center.  Everything else is built around Him.  We are developing passionate love, friendship love, and self-sacrificing love.  All three combined to ensure a strong and lasting foundation.

No sooner did I come to that conclusion than Martin was able to get back online and called me.  We had a great talk that was filled with tenderness and understanding instead of hurt feelings and defensiveness.  Patina.  The storms will come -  it just depends on what you are made of that determines if they will make you better or break you down.

It reminds me of another Scripture in Matthew 7:24-27 when Jesus tells us to heed His Words.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Fetch

I’ve had many dogs in my life.  I grew up with Tootsie who was purely an outside dog.  We fed her and now and then played with her and that was about it.  One day she got sick and my dad took her away never to return.  After her there were a string of other dogs.  Maggie, Murphy, Sam, Bronte.  Even a couple of cats; Vincent and Jack.  There was Elvis (a hound dog we rescued only to learn quickly why it needed rescuing).  And Henry.  And our latest editions Oliver and Lucy.

Lucy is a rat terrier – persistent, loving, and energetic..kind of like me

She and I have become quite inseparable in the last few days.  Oliver had some terrible, bad habits and only listened to my ex.  So to the ex’s house he went.  Now during the days when I’m alone and working, it is just me and Lucy.  It’s quiet and peaceful and she is seriously at my side every minute.  Watches me as I shower.  She tells me when she has to go out and I talk to her.  She is brilliant which means I have to stay one step ahead of her and there is a part of me afraid one day when she gets out of the yard she will never return.  She is what I always wanted in a dog.  And she is the first dog in my life that I picked out for myself.  I knew people who had dogs they bonded with before but I never did.  I truly love Lucy.

She loves to play fetch and will until her toenails bleed.  Sometimes I throw the ball a little further or in the wrong direction than she thought and she loses it on the hill in our backyard.  It’s fascinating to watch her find it.  She starts running a pattern that I’m sure is ingrained deep in her DNA.  It almost looks random but it’s not because she methodically covers all the ground until she finds the missing ball.  She’ll take off to the left, then up, then down, then left again, then down, then right, up, right, left, down.  All along I see how close she is to the red ball and I yell, “Lucy it’s right there!”  But she has to do what she does.  There’s no other way for her to find it once she has lost it.

And it got me to thinking that I’m much the same way. When I’ve lost something there is nothing that anyone can say to make me feel better until I process through it myself.

I was told I was beautiful, that it wasn’t my “fault”, that I was worthy and valuable.  That I would find my way out of the hole.  They could see it but I could not.  I had to get there myself.  And while I don’t think the journey is over, it is making more sense to me now.  Having risen from the hole I can now see things I wasn’t able to see from down in the pit.  I was lost for a while wondering which move I would make next.  And now I don’t cry when I’m home alone for an evening.  I don’t feel desperation.  In fact I am in a very different place.

I AM HAPPY.  Excited about my life and my future.  Martin doesn’t even have a job in the states and I don’t care.  He doesn’t live here but I don’t care.  I realize we have more than most people ever have living 6000 miles away.  How did I get to this place?  Sometimes I go back and read old posts to see how my life has progressed over time and I remember.  It’s unbelievable.  And I know you who have been reading all along have seen this woman who is happy but also still pondering and thinking about what she can trust and what is best.  I’ve been in Livvy-mode, like my dog Lucy.

Each time I’m faced with a new problem, a hurt, confusion, worry, fear, I go into this mode automatically.  Reviewing in my mind the past year, things we’ve said to each other, moments that are branded onto my heart.  A journey is plotted like Lucy’s path as my thoughts go from one memory to the next and from one feeling to another.  Sometimes its bad and I’m a little frantic thinking I will never reach that place of “knowing” I’m in the right place with how to think about a particular issue.  But most of the time when I least expect it I see the ball and head straight for it and my mind is once again settled.

So most of you have read these little panic attacks I’ve had and watched me sort through what to do until I became focused and clear again.  And each time I’m a little more sure.  Maybe this is what it means when I wrote the first day with my first entry on this blog that I’m finding my way through the twists and turns of life.  That is exactly what I’ve been doing.  I’m learning, everyday, who I am, what is important to me, and who I trust.

As Martin and I were talking yesterday; I am finding out that I am pretty much who I’ve always said I was.  Just more accepting of who I am.   No super new revelations.  Who I saw myself to be on the inside has remained true and unchanged even through I’ve transformed from a caterpillar to a butterfly.  On the outside my entire life is different.  I see in color, with music.  But foundationally I am the same.

I’ve noticed something about myself lately.  I’m saying “I’m sorry” a lot less.  I used to apologize for everything like all of it was on me and me alone.  I don’t do that so much anymore.  I think because I am surrounding myself with people who do not require it.

It feels good to know who I am.  And this new found sense of myself, and sense of happiness I feel has been like the early morning hours of a new day.  At first only a glimpse of light.  But as the sun comes up over the trees and the shadows aren’t as many or long, my eyes focus in on the light and I see more clearly than ever this new life I have to live and I like what I see.  And if I were the kind of person to wake early enough to actually see the sunrise as I have a few times in my life; I would see the hope in it and in my God who has been so faithful to me and given me more than I could have ever dreamed.

Lamentations 3: 21-24 (ESV)

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”

What a crazy wonderful world that is organized and defined by renewal.

When I was destitute and lonely people told me I would find someone new who was worthy.  They  told me one day I would be happy again even if I was alone.  But I didn’t believe them.  Maybe it’s cheating to say I’m alone now even though practically I am.  I eat dinner alone, go to bed alone, spend my days alone.  However I know someone loves me.  For the first time in my life though I am enjoying the time I have by myself just as much as when I’m around other people.  I enjoy my time with Martin even more.  But miraculously I CAN be alone and not SAD.

These past three years have taught me three important lessons:

1.  Finding a true companion in life only happens when you know who you are.  You can try to fit their mold but you won’t be truly happy unless you are true to yourself (think Runaway Bride and the way she make eggs ).

2.  When you find that person you will click and you will know it.  It will be almost like you have no other choice.  You will see eye to eye on more than just how and when to kiss.  It will be one of those things that just happens to you without you trying to make it happen.

3.  Some people are better off alone or at the very least without you.  Let them go if that’s what they want.  It was the hardest thing I ever did.  But it was the right thing to do given the circumstances.  Being alone is far better than being with someone who does not respect or love you.

Once you heal, when you least expect it, you will find yourself waking up happy and wonder how you got there.  You will be smiling more than crying and you will appreciate where you are even more for where you’ve come from.  And in your time alone, do nice things for yourself.  Allow yourself time to think about, like and learn who you are. 

Like finding our ball, it’s a process and none of us will do it quite the same and we won’t be able to see what others see until we find it for ourselves.

What Do I Want?

Sitting in the audience I was grateful for the cool breeze created by the air conditioners in the church during one of my friend’s weddings.  Only problem was they had amazing tulle draped from floor to ceiling across the entire length of the stage in front of about 100 or more lit candles.  Most of us held our breath and debated whether or not to get up and hold the bottom of the tulle to the floor to keep it from blowing in the breeze created by that great air conditioner.  My mind played out the tragedy.  Could you imagine?  “Do you….WHAT THE….FIRE….EVERYBODY OUT!”  Luckily it was caught in time.

I’ve only been to a handful of weddings in my life.  And leaving I would often think to myself or verbalize to my husband how I would have done things differently.  “The arch flowers looked really fake like we were standing in the floral department at Michael’s.  The slide show should have been at the reception because it was way too long.  The photographers were like paparazzi.   Really?  We have to stand around for an hour and a half with only coffee waiting for the reception?”  Stuff like that.  There is often a lot of things I like too but mostly I leave thinking.  OKAAAAY…glad it wasn’t too long.  I’m not the type of person who loves to attend weddings and cries at them.  I’m just not.

20 years ago tomorrow at 10 o’clock in the morning I walked down the aisle with my dad limping beside me because he had thrown his back out ducking under the garage door on our way to the church.  When my ex turned to look at me he raised an eyebrow and smiled.  My dress was so tight I could barely lift my leg to ascend the stairs to the altar.  I hadn’t thought about that little detail.  So there were polite chuckles as my hips shifted the massive bow at the back of my dress while I slowly climbed each step.  I also remember taking off my gloves so a ring could be put on my finger only I hadn’t thought of what to do with the glove.  Another slightly awkward moment.  But basically it was a good day.  I did my own hair, did my own make up, he and I drove ourselves back to the house for a backyard reception.  It was unpretentious but nice and I had fun.

20 years ago.  Hmmm.  I’m not sad about it.  In fact I forgot about it until I got home after work and looked at my phone.  I saw the date January 18 and thought…oooh.  Huh.  Hmm.  Like the day my divorce was final I am somewhat ambivalent.  I’m not beating myself up for the “failure” anymore.  I’m not missing my ex emotionally or in any other way anymore.

Now that I’ve met this amazing man who has turned my world upside down and we are talking about getting married… both for the second time.  What in the world do I WANT?  Are all rules off?  Can I just do what I want this time?

At first I had no idea even what that meant.  What do I want?  Size, location, food, size, location, dress, size, location, location, size?  First things first.  How big do I want this thing to be?  How much money do I want to spend?  I know all these things have to be thought about but deep in my heart I really want to elope. Cause all that really matters to me is for us to be together.  Do we really need a traditional wedding?  Would anyone we cared deeply about be offended if we didn’t have one?

Here is where I’m at right now.

I want to get married someplace pretty with my daughter and son by my side.  One of my best friends who is a photographer recording the event.  My friend Karen who went to Ireland with me and convinced me to email Martin in the first place.  For goodness sake she is the one who invited him to spend the evening with us after dinner.  Without her there would be no wedding.  So she is a must too.  And Martin’s kids and maybe his best friend if he can make it.  Have a quiet ceremony in the evening with sparkling lights all around on a rooftop or deck overlooking an amazing cityscape or seascape in San Francisco.  Followed by a casual, fun, intimate dinner to celebrate the occasion.  Followed by a familymoon so his kids and my kids and he and I could bond but also have loads of fun together.  We both love our kids and we want them to be a part.  We are both dealing with the sadness that they are getting older and won’t be a part of our lives for very much longer as they were when they were young.  Martin and I have plenty of alone time.  We’ll have plenty of chances for vacations alone too.  Upon our return, we come home to an amazing party inviting every single person we know.  Open house style.  Casual, fun, festive, dancing, and the must have cake.

That is where I’m at right now anyway.  And I’d really like to dance to a Frank Sinatra song.  At some point.

But this might change as we discuss our dreams and try to match them with practical issues.  When it comes right down to it …the wedding doesn’t matter to me at all compared to the life I’ll be beginning.  It’s value rests solely on the fact that it marks the beginning of that life.  What we eat, where we are, and who attends is secondary to the promises we make to one another and to God.

Wow.  I really can’t believe I’m typing this entry.  My heart is not on overdrive and my hands aren’t even sweaty at the thought.  Amazing.

We have 14 months of affection, admiration and friendship.  14 months of seeing each other at our best and worst at our highest and our lowest moments.  And we are still choosing each other.  Choosing not to have our dreams come true in each other’s eyes, but to have a faithful, loyal, loving partner in life.

What more could a girl want than that?

Laughing Is Great

Do you know anyone who hates to laugh?  I know people who are hesitant to it, or don’t like it when someone else is laughing and they are in a bad mood.  But once you get to laughing yourself, how is it not one of the best feelings in the world?  Smiling is right up there too.  It’s one of the few times you can completely lose composure and not get a lecture afterward.  And giggling is just hysterical.  I don’t think I can be in a room with someone who is giggling and not giggle myself.  Even the word giggle is funny.

I just think being silly is underrated.  Today I watched a tv show with Martin via Skype that made us laugh so hard we were both wiping the tears from our eyes.  Then I went over my sister’s house and we were watching a video of my two nephews one is 8 the other 17 do a dance routine competition on the Wii.  It was so funny.

There is a sense of power that I get from being silly and being in the moment.  “Who cares?” I think it far worse to miss out on a fun experience because you are afraid of “how it might look” to other people.

I’m not suggesting being annoying.  I’m just saying let loose and have a little fun.  It’s really good for the soul.

That is my two cents for today.

 

The Others

I loved, loved, loved, LOST so forgive my Lost reference but for many reasons today I have been thinking about those people other than Martin, my kids and I.  The others.

There are others in England who don’t know me, in fact have never met me, who have opinions about me because of decisions Martin has made.  They see Martin changing as a person and make comments like they want the “old Martin” back.  They hear he has committed his life to “the church” and worry that I’m some American nut case going to a wacko church like they’ve seen on TV.  Or to some I’m just American and that’s bad enough.  When we talk about how others feel about me (and we don’t very often but it did come up today) I can put myself into their shoes because there have been times when I thought Martin was crazy myself for what he’s doing.  Trying to get a job in America to move countries and cultures essentially to be closer to me.  As much as I’d like to believe he’s doing it for other reasons too, they are secondary and I know it.  Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility in the sadness of his children, the disappointment of his friends, and family who will be losing him from their day-to-day lives.  I wish 100 million times that it didn’t have to be one or the other.

But what I don’t get is people who make judgments without even trying to get to know me first.  They just know he’s leaving and that he says he’s in love with some blonde woman from California.  And I wouldn’t care necessarily what they thought if it didn’t impact Martin.  He is a friendly, social person and people who are saying these things are considered his friends.  So I’m sure it is a source of stress.  He’s shielded me from much of it because I think he knows me well enough to know that I could be heartbroken to learn that some people feel I’m a greedy, selfish, American, $*&! who is dragging their loved one into a cult and out of his children’s lives.

I have lived my life the best I can with the most genuine intentions possible.  I was afraid to get involved with Martin in part because if we did end up falling in love, then what?  I knew because of my divorce I could not leave my town.  My kids are minors for another 4 years.  And I could never ask in a million years (again) for him to consider leaving his LIFE.  He offered.  He practically begged.  I fought it for months.  I told him, you may feel like it’s the right thing right now but you are looking at me through “rose-colored glasses”.  Someday, I will disappoint you (unintentionally of course) but I will and then what?  You will have given up so much for me and I’m NOT WORTH IT.  I’m just a girl.  There are a ton of people like me in this world you just haven’t met them.  AND YES…I did say these exact words to him and meant him.   Of course I thought HE was great and that HE was worth it but ME?  Nah….

But he kept telling me I was worth it.  He kept showing me I was worth it.  He kept on and on and on.  And then he proved it.  Going to job interviews, helping me sort out issues with my children, staying around, wanting to be around.  Coming back, trip after trip.  Getting a job.  Losing the job.  Getting another job.  Not giving up.  And I sat and watch him with my mouth open in awe of his consistency, his determination, and his enthusiasm despite hardships.  And I slowly started to believe that he wasn’t just acting from a place of naïvety but that he did in fact know what he was doing and understood the risks and benefits and was willing to make them.   Not because I begged him to.  But because it is what he wanted.

As the situation changed and him moving in August turned into October which turned into just a visit in January….well all relationships progress and we have grown more convinced that we should marry.  Even still…he is planning on living on his own until we do.  Not only because it’s the right thing to do but because it allows him to move over without having to take on role of Step dad right away as he’s getting used to everything American and be a husband all at the same time.

The others did not see what I saw.  They did not hear the conversations between us regarding caution, and going too fast.  They only knew that one minute they had the old Martin and practically over night he was transformed into someone else.  What they might not understand is that he is different to me too.  When I met him he looked tired and sad.  He talked of being on a search for his entire life for meaning and purpose and wanted to get closer to God.  He talked of brokenness and emptiness in his day-to-day life with work driving his activity.  He yearned for warmth, for love, for a higher purpose.   He yearned to be held – just held.  He was so lonely.  And now I see a man who has to push his cheeks together to stop from smiling.  Who is at peace and is content in a way he’s never been before.  A man who is learning what it means to walk with Jesus in life instead of on his own.  One who does not need to stay up late with people he barely knows drinking at a work function but who’s desire is to go home read some of his Bible and talk to a person who loves him.

Yes his habits have changed.  Yes he has changed.  But he is so much happier in so many ways.  And as I watched his transformation I saw his heart soften and grow toward people who had hurt him in his past.  I saw him show kindness and forgiveness to people who were not offering it back.  I saw him reach out to people at work and have deep and meaningful conversations that may have influenced their destiny.  I saw him fight for the life of his niece and risk sticking his nose in other people’s business for the sake of her life both physically and spiritually. God changes your heart from the inside out and I’ve seen that take place in Martin.

When God becomes your Lord, pleasing him becomes much more important than pleasing coworkers who will turn on you if given the chance.  It means holding your head up high even when people ridicule you  and make you feel crazy and stupid for choosing something they don’t understand.  You can take it and it’s not even hard to do because you know you’re not alone and never will be again.

I’ve seen it all in Martin.  And it’s the adversity that he’s experiencing that makes his walk REAL.  Tried and tested. Yes he’s made mistakes but that comes with being human.

Had he come to California on that first trip and decided that he just wanted to be friends, I would have gladly accepted that friendship.  But we fell in love and make each other smile.  And I don’t have any other choice but to love him back as much or 200 times more than he loves me.

I don’t have any other choice.

If Paul McCartney walked up to you and said, I’d like to give you a personal tour of everything Beatles in England.  I’ll drive and answer any questions you have along the way.  Would you say, “No thanks, I’ll try to figure it out on my own.”

You’d be crazy if you didn’t take him up on his offer.

That is how Martin and I feel about our relationship.  We are convinced that God brought us together that night.  He led us to each other because we are good for each other.  He knows best.  Who are we to scoff at God and say, “No thanks.”  We have to see it through.

I’m so sorry I live 6,000 miles away.  I’m so sorry Martin has to uproot his life to be a part of mine.  But if I could and I will be able to someday in the near future (hopefully) be able to share a life with him in both countries, I would.  Part of the year in England, part in the US.  Why not?  After he retires we should be able to do something like that so that we can absorb as much of both of our lives as possible for the good of all who love us.

That is my hope anyway.  I love him so much.  But I also know this hasn’t been easy for him.  Not only getting and losing and striving for jobs but facing people who think he’s nuts and who automatically don’t like me for being the supposed agent of change in his life.

I hope someday the others who matter will know me for me.  I hope I get a chance to show them that I’m fairly normal.  But most importantly that I’m not out to manipulate or cajole Martin into doing anything he doesn’t want to do.

I love him…and loving someone doesn’t mean getting everything you want from them.  It’s acting selflessly on their behalf.  Sacrificial, other focused love is my goal.  I really just want him to be happy.

I just had to say that.  I feel better now.  A little.

New Year Wishes

Last new year I was in a tailspin.  I had just met Martin and had no idea where life would take me.  I hadn’t even filed for divorce yet.  Had no idea how the cards would fall financially, with child custody issues, personally, none of it.  I did have high hopes and I have to admit 2010 ended on a higher note than I had ever dreamed.  But as my favorite lyricist Jon Foreman said in a song,  “today is all you got now, and today is all you’ll ever have.” So I must not look back but forward.  So here is my 2011 wish list:

1.  I hope and pray for continued healing between me and my ex.  We’ve come a long way (or should I say…I’ve come a long way).  But I want to get to a place where I don’t want to cut off his head.  Or hers.  While I know I am better off without him I am still angry at his giving up and putting us all through what we went through.  WHY?  I just am.  It’s not rational.  Or maybe it is.  I’m confused on that issue.  My sisters tell me, “Why can’t you just let it go if you are happy and he’s happy and just move on?”  But the hurt was so deep and I was so devastated that at times when I least expect it, it rears its ugly head.  I get hit in the face with pure anger and sadness for my children.  Somehow I want that to just disappear.  So I pray the Lord to take it away like he did my depression.  One day it was just gone.

2.  I pray that Martin and I will be able to share our lives together, every day.  That we will get married and I will have the partner I have always hoped for.  Someone who will help me sort out the issues of life with encouragement and love.  Someone to share the ups and the downs with and all the in betweens.

3.  That I will keep running (should I say start running again?)  And that I will join a yoga class.  I love it so much I’m just chicken and the Wii can only get me so far!  That I will maintain my weight but lose my pooch

4.  That I will resolve my conflict that I have with my photography.  When my marriage ended so did my thriving photography business.  It just seemed to be too much to manage.  I want to strike out in a different way – maybe art photography and sell my prints.  I don’t want to be hired help anymore at events and sessions.  I want to be an artist.  Maybe on Etsy.com  SO my goal is to start a shop and sell at least one thing.

5.  That I stay involved in both my children’s lives.  That we continue to talk about our deepest hopes and dreams and continue to pray and encourage each other in our faith.  They are my world and they are getting so old.  In a year my son will be a senior and I’m afraid that my world has been so crazy that I’m missing precious opportunities and moments with them.

6.  For the first time in my life, I don’t want to “fix anything”.  My entire life with my ex there was always this huge gaping hole of dissatisfaction.  I thought I was just supremely critical and impossible to please.  But I’m learning now that I was just profoundly unhappy.  I would never consider that it was my marriage making me unhappy so I was always trying to make things better.  I don’t do that anymore.  And I can’t wait to see what life being happy is like.  I’m sleeping at night without sleeping pills.  I’m breathing easy.  I’m smiling so much sometimes my cheeks hurt.  When I’m disappointed I am with someone who helps me look for a solution instead of waiting for me to figure everything out for myself.  It’s amazing.  And I can’t wait for every day to begin and to see what God will do with it.  Even the hard times this year have brought me to a place where instead of grumbling for not getting what I want…I’m marveling at what God does with them.  Weird.  So unlike me.  But true.  No more fixing.  Just experiencing each day with gratitude.  I almost make myself sick reading it but I can’t help it.  So I hope it continues…

7.  I hope that at the end of this year I am able to say that I have grown in my knowledge and understanding of Scripture.  I am dedicating myself to study this year.  Instead of sorting out my messed up life.  I am purposefully going to attack the Word to learn it better.  I bought a systemic theology book and some other tools to help me understand the context, history, and etymology of the Bible.  I hope that my confidence grows in the truth and authority of the Bible and of my Christian faith.

8.  I have not saved for retirement for three years.  So I am hoping to get that house in order again.  Plan for my kid’s college years and decide how to save for my old age.  It must be done.  And in that, I need to write a will.  Not something I look forward to but I do need to do it.

9.  I want to start cooking again.  I used to LOVE to cook and try new recipes. This Christmas I asked for subscriptions to food magazines and I got them!  So I am hoping to try one new recipe a month.  Modest goal but I AM busy and my kids are never around so this is realistic.

10.  And finally I wish specifically to get to know Martin’s kids.  That we like each other and begin building a relationship.  It’s hard because they are so far away and at University with their own lives.  But I do want to know that side of him.  I love him so much that I love them already and want the best for them.  I pray that it just happens naturally as it did with Martin and my kids.  I’m a little bit afraid of them. But I really do want to build a bridge this year.

WOW – that is quite a wish list.  But it’s in black and white now!  No going back.  Happy New Year to all of you!

What Can I Say?

As I drove along the 105 freeway, I kept looking over at him.  This man who makes me feel loved and worth it.  He had sad eyes,  and every now and then let out a big sigh.  When the sign read, LAX 30 min, he turned to me and said, “Okay, I’m going to be up beat because this was a great trip and I’ll be back soon yeah?”  I grabbed his hand and squeezed his fingers and tried to smile lifting them up to my mouth to kiss.  He gave a weak smile back and we sat in silence. He was leaving.  We were sad.

At the beginning of the trip I hoped the days would pass slowly.  Playing pool, watching a movie, cooking dinner,  I prayed for the hours to drag.  Every night before bed I wished the minutes would crawl so the day wouldn’t end.  But driving onto the off ramp heading into the airport,  I was gripping the steering wheel, holding my breath trying not to cry and counting each second, thinking if I slowed way down maybe I could squeeze out a few more with him.

I turned off the car in front of Terminal B and got out to help him with his bags and hugged and kissed and clung to him so tight.  We were both wrecks. I wish I could remember all the things he said because I know they were wonderful.  But it is a blur to me.  All I can remember are tears, and kisses, and him looking at me saying encouraging things and me nodding my head.  I remember seeing a woman smiling at us.  And for a brief second one of the security guards walking toward us and then turning away.

Nobody told us to get a move on this time.  We must have stood there for 5 minutes at least.  I think they knew that our hearts were breaking.

This trip was special.

He spoke to both kids separately and asked them for my hand in marriage.  They both said yes.  There was a time when I thought only crazy people believe that marriage could work.  What in the world am I thinking???  I’m one of the crazies again!  Martin said that my daughter “lit up” when he asked.  Both of the kids told him they would help him come up with a good way to ask me.  And he took me to look at rings.    It was fun.  I don’t remember doing that before.  I felt so proud.  Proud of us.  Proud that we are working through real life issues with tenderness and respect for each other.  That even when things aren’t perfect we think “we” are worth it.  And being worth it means a lot.

It’s not a drive across town to see me.  It’s thousands of dollars spent and difficult long trips to endure.  It’s time off work, away from family.   It’s him living in a rented room instead of his own place to make sure he has enough money to come see me often. It’s him buying an iPhone plan just so he could send me pics and stay in touch over email when he is away traveling.  It’s many decisions he’s made that put value to the relationship, and to me.

I remember the first time we started talking about trips and I was attempting to play devil’s advocate saying that even if we got along and decided that we wanted to get closer it would be impossible with him living so far away.  He told me not to worry about it and that he had the means to come out once a month for a long time if that is what he had to do.  I didn’t believe him but I should have.  Because essentially that is what he’s done for a year now and is still committed to doing.

When my son got home from school today I told him how much I missed Martin already.  And asked him how would he feel about having him as a step father.  He lifted his shoulders and nodded his head.  He agreed with me that Martin is an easy guy to like and they get  along great.  They hung out one day just the two of them and drove around Bel Air being tourists and ate at Pink’s hot dog stand.  They watched war movies, played pool, took down the Christmas tree together.  I think my son liked having another man around.

When I walked through the door home from the airport my kids yelled out to me, “Hey Mom Martin called!  He forgot his phone charger.”  Just then the phone rang again and he told me he loved me  and that he was the last person to get on the plane.  I think he was hoping it would leave without him.

He didn’t have a good flight home. It was bumpy and he should have slept but couldn’t.  He drove three hours home to a new room he’s rented at a friend’s house cause his other friend moved. He couldn’t log onto the wi-fi.  It was dark and rainy and windy and he was super tired. But instead of relaxing after this big long trip he got in his car with the 10% battery he had left on his iPhone to try to find a signal at a service station so he could call me on Skype. That wasn’t working  either though so he drove from service station to service station ringing me hoping to get a good enough signal just to say that he was okay but by the time we actually spoke he was not okay…I could tell.  It had been 18 hours.

If that doesn’t make a person feel loved I don’t know what would.

Now I’m trying to go to sleep without having talked to him all day.  I’m sure he’s getting caught up on his sleep.  I’m feeling unsettled and anxious.  And sad.  But super happy that I got to see him and that he still thinks I’m great.  I have lots and lots to smile and be thankful for.  I will close my eyes and let that breath I’ve been holding out long and slow.

Lost in Translation

Apparently Brits are more evolved when it comes to using the English language.  They are more inclined to use words for example where we Californian’s (or maybe it’s just me) (or maybe it’s just women?) can’t be bothered with speaking in actual words but instead use a series of grunts and groans to communicate quite effectively with each other.  Not so effectively with people from the “Old World”.  So in an effort to communicate clearly I have listed my code that I may print off for Martin to use on a handy little 3×5 card to keep in his pocket in case he is ever at a loss.

uh uh – no
ex.  “Do you think we should clean up the kitchen?” – “Uh uh”

huh uh – no
also means no but I’m interested in hearing more about it

uh huh  – yes
in response to a direct question

uh huh… – liar
for example…”I think you look great in those jeans….” my response…”Uh huh…”

huh? – what?

huh – go figure
with a dash of happy surprise

hmm – go figure
laced with disappointment

hmmmmmmm – I’m thinking of something I don’t want to say out loud
but trust me it’s good

ha – yeah right!
with a heavy dose of sarcasm

haha – funny

grrr – I’m not happy
in fact I’m getting to the point of complete frustration

argh -I’m not happy
as if to say…”Can you believe how stupid this is?” word efficient don’t you think?  Replacing 7 words with one?

ugh – I’m resigned

oh oh – whatever it is it’s bad

OH! – whatever it is it’s good

I think that’s it…am I weird?

I don’t know what’s so hard about it…seems pretty straight forward to me